Lyrics and Songs

Find the words to Barry’s songs by clicking on the song titles below. Hear Barry recite the lyrics or listen to all his songs.

These songs were written over the last forty years and some lyrics and recordings below reflect the recent versions. You can also hear the songs on each recording here.

A Bee Will Sting You

by Barry Louis Polisar

A bee will sting you, sad but true….But also true they say
Is when he stings you, he will die; a costly price to pay
So let that be a lesson for those you’d like to hurt
Deceive, destroy, connive against, damage or desert
The rule is really simple. Beware this little thing:
Be careful you’re not poisoned by the poison in your sting

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

A Brontosaurus With Bronchitis

by Barry Louis Polisar

I am a fierce and ferocious beast,
Though I’m sure you cannot tell.
I take my pills and medicine,
‘Cause I don’t feel so well.
My head is stuffed, my nose it runs.
It hurts my throat to speak;
I’m a brontosaurus with bronchitis,
I’ve been like this for a week.

I’m acting rather civilized
But it’s not that I’ve been tamed,
I can’t go romping with my friends
‘Cause my throat is all inflamed.
They say I look emaciated.
(That means I’ve gotten thin).
Mom feeds me tea with lemon,
Grandpa drops the nose drops in.

Grandma makes Cro-Magnon soup,
Dad give me vitamin C,
Mom gives me lots of orange juice,
And lets me watch TV.
All covered up in a fevered sweat,
My throat and chest both hurt.
But I get to watch The Flintstones
And have jello for desert.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Accident

The Accident

by Barry Louis Polisar

My little sister Agatha, while reading in her chair,
Accidently spilt her milk which splattered everywhere.
She went to get a rag with which to wipe it up
And accidently hit the shelf that held the plates and cups.
The plates and cups slid down of course, crashing one by one.
Oh dear, said Agatha, This book is not much fun.

Reluctantly she got a broom to sweep up all the glass
But hit the lightbulb with the handle, accidently as she passed,
Then knocked the plant upon the floor, which spewed the dirt about
And changed her feeling from dismay to misery no doubt.
So take my advice young children, the faults not in the chair;
It’s reading that I warn against: beware children, beware.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

A Clock Without a "C"

A Clock Without A “C”

by Barry Louis Polisar

A clock without a “c” becomes a lock,
And a shock without an “h” is just a sock,
And like a dog without a tail
Or a ship without a sail,
Without you I’m a sheep without a flock.

A stand without a “t” is just some sand,
And a plan without an “l” is just a pan.
Sometimes you gotta rearrange
And make a little change
To see things in a way you’ll understand.

A flight without an “l” becomes a fight,
But a slight without an “s” becomes a light,
And like a seed that has to grow
Sometimes we’re all a little slow
To turn a little wrong into a right.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Alfabet Song

The Alfabet Song

by Barry Louis Polisar

A is for armpit, acne and alchemy,
Au naturel and alcohol, albatross and atrophy,
Athlete’s foot and anchovy, asthma and autopsy
B is for bombshell, bacteria and me.
B is for bombshell, bacteria and me.

C is for cantankerous, canker sore and candy,
D is for dumbbell, doody balls and dandy,
E is for egghead, enema and ear wax,
F is for follicle, fatty cell and fax.
F is for follicle, fatty cell and fax.

G is for grotesque, gross and glockenspiel
H is for hernia, hemmorhoids (I hope they heal).
I is for imbecile, interface and Illinois
J is for jugular vein, jaundice and joy
J is for jugular vein, jaundice and joy

K is for kickback, karma and killer bee
L is for lint ball, lymph node, and larceny.
M is for mayonnaise, mayhem and misogynist,
N is for nonsense, nudity and nit.
N is for nonsense, nudity and nit.

O is for oatmeal, oreos and oleo,
P is for politics, Pat and Edgar Allen Poe,
Q is for quadruple and R is for rude,
S is for S-hook and T is for two.
S is for S-hook and T is for two.

U is for undulate and V is for villany,
W is too hard and so is X, Y and Z.

Listen to Barry sing this song:

All I Want Is You

by Barry Louis Polisar

If I were a flower growing wild and free
All I’d want is you to be my sweet honey bee.
And if I were a tree growing tall and greeen
All I’d want is you to shade me and be my leaves

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.

If you were a river in the mountains tall,
The rumble of your water would be my call.
If you were the winter, I know I’d be the snow
As long as you were with me, let the cold wind blow

If you were a wink, I’d be a nod
If you were a seed, I’d be a pod.
If you were the floor, I’d wanna be the rug
And if you were a kiss, I know I’d be a hug

If you were the wood, I’d be the fire.
If you were the love, I’d be the desire.
If you were a castle, I’d be your moat,
And if you were an ocean, I’d learn to float.

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Listen to Barry sing the original version used in JUNO:

Ant and The Grasshopper

The Ant and the Grasshopper

by Barry Louis Polisar

This is the story of The Ant and The Grasshopper

(part II: What They didn’t Tell you)

You’ve heard the first part: the Grasshopper plays the fiddle and sings while the ants work, storing food for the winter.

Then when it comes time to eat, the ants eat what they had stored while the grasshopper starves.

But what they didn’t tell you is what happened the next year.

There was no grasshopper to play music, so…there was no music……Without music, the ants didn’t work as hard.

In fact, they got bored with working and started to call in sick. Production was down. Those that came to work didn’t pay attention to what they were doing; they got sloppy. They stored food in places where other insects ate it up. They were grumpy. Ill mannered. Crime was up.

Their lives turned grey and boring. Things began to fall apart.

The ant leaders realized that they weren’t getting things done like they used to. So they decided to find out why.

A bunch of ants got together to see if they could figure out what was wrong. After careful study, they announced that they needed music to get the other ants to work better….

but the grasshopper who played the music was long gone…..

So, a group of ants were appointed to look for someone to play music.

Some of the ants didn’t like the kind of music the group decided on so they got together to find someone else to play the music they wanted
to hear.

Another group was appointed to decide what kind of music should be played.

Another group got together to decide when the music should be played.

And another group made sure that the music the first groups picked was “appropriate” for ants.

Before they knew it, none of the ants were working because they were all too busy being on committees trying to figure out what music was good and
what music was bad.

Winter came. They hadn’t stored up any food. In fact they hadn’t done anything. And the whole hill of ants went hungry.

The moral of the story boys and girls….is…..well, if you can’t figure it out, form a committee

Listen to Barry read this story:

Apple Of My Eye

The Apple Of My Eye

by Barry Louis Polisar

Once when I was all alone on a mountain by the sea
I eyed a one eyed cyclops looking straight at me
Her head was green and hairy. She had a dozen toes.
Her one eye looked so scary, She had warts upon her nose
I tried to run away from her, but I was losing ground
She was coming faster and faster at me, making a horrible sound
A SHIGGIE BA GE BA BA BE BE BA A SHE BA BE BA BE BA BAY
A SHIGGIE BA NAY BA GA NAY BA BE OE DE BA BA BE BA BE BA BE BA BAY

It was hopeless if I ran. We were standing head to head
Then she grabbed me in her hand and turned to me and said,
“I wish you wouldn’t run so fast. I think you’re kind of cute. “
“Not only that,,” she whispered low, “I think that I love you.”
“You are the apple of my eye,” she said, and then she gave me a wink.
“Sweet as a cherry pie,” she said, though maybe she Just blinked
A SHIGGIE BA GE BA BA BE BE BA A SHE BA BE BA BE BA BAY
A SHIGGIE BA NAY BA GA NAY BA BE OE DE BA BA BE BA BE BA BE BA BAY

It happened oh, so fast. It sounded oh, so weird
And though her mouth had a funny taste, it was nothing as I feared
I see what I was frightened of was what I did not know
And I guess you can love someone with warts upon their nose.
‘Cause I live up on the mountain now, bordered by the sea
With a half a dozen cyclops kids who almost look like me
A SHIGGIE BA GE BA BA BE BE BA A SHE BA BE BA BE BA BAY
A SHIGGIE BA NAY BA GA NAY BA BE OE DE BA BA BE BA BE BA BE BA BAY

Listen to Barry sing this song:

A Sick Song (I Got Snot)

by Barry Louis Polisar

I got snot, I got phlegm,
I got a lot more problems, let me tell you ’bout them:
I sit still, I get rest,
I take pills and aspirin and never get dressed.

I eat soup, I sip tea,
I’m taking vitamin C but it doesn’t help me.
I still sniff, I still sneeze,
I’m coughin’ pretty often and I also wheeze.
I got snot, I got phlegm,
I got a lot more problems, let me tell you ’bout them:
I sit still, I get rest,
I take pills and aspirin and never get dressed.

I can’t sing, I can’t talk.
I’m so busy, but I’m dizzy, can’t even walk.
I’m a mess…I guess.
My head is hot, got congestion in my chest.
I got snot, I got phlegm,
I got a lot more problems, let me tell you ’bout them:
I sit still, I get rest,
I take pills and aspirin and never get dressed.

Listen please! I’m diseased.
It’s no thrill being ill. I can hardly breathe.
I need a doctor. I’ll take a vet.
I need a shot and a pot and don’t forget:
I got snot, I got phlegm,
I got a lot more problems, let me tell you ’bout them:
I sit still, I get rest,
I take pills and aspirin and never get dressed.

I’m so weak. I can’t speak.
I need a cure for sure or I’ll be sick a week.
I’ve got aches. I’ve got pains.
I’m bloated and coated with spots and stains.
I got snot, I got phlegm,
I got a lot more problems, let me tell you ’bout them:
I sit still, I get rest,
I take pills and aspirin and never get dressed.

I’ve thrown up. I’m so frail.
I’d try to stand up but I know I’d fail.
My eyes water, my ears ring.
I’m out of breath, close to death and weakening.
I got snot, I got phlegm,
I got a lot more problems, let me tell you ’bout them:
I sit still, I get rest,
I take pills and aspirin and never get dressed.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

As You Sleep So Peacefully

by Barry Louis Polisar

As you sleep so peacefully,
So innocent and new
I keep thinking of the future
Joys will share with you.
Though you are the sweetest baby
Lying here so helplessly,
When I hold you in my arms,
I wonder what you’ll grow to be.

Your toothless mouth
Will soon need braces,
I will watch you as you grow;
As time goes by and you get older,
I’ll embarrass you I know.
Maybe you will be a Nazi,
Maybe you will paint your hair,
Wear chains and spikes around your neck,
Drop out of school, and smoke and swear.

Maybe you will join a cult
Where members chant and dance and sing,
And come to disavow your parents
Who refuse enlightening.
Maybe you will buy a Harley,
Shave your head, and get tattooed;
Maybe you will one day like us
And visit when you’re in the mood.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Aunt Anna Came To Our House

by Barry Louis Polisar

Aunt Anna came to our house to visit us again.
She talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and then
She told my sister to eat more, said she was getting thin,
Told my brother to cut his hair and tuck his shirt tails in.
She said we were all good children, who’d do what we were told.
She pinched me on the cheek and told me not to get a cold.

Aunt Anna came to our house to visit us again.
She talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and then
She talked about the vegetables, said they were cooked too long,
She said the house needs painting, said we should mow the lawn.
She said she couldn’t stand our house, said it was such a mess.
She said she’d have a heart attack, she said she was depressed.

Aunt Anna came to our house to visit us again.
She talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and then
She said she’d never come again, she’d stay in a motel,
But she says that every time she comes as far as I can tell
The truth is that she likes all the excitement that we bring
Even though she’s gonna kill me when she hears me sing.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Bad Boys

Bad Boys: House Remodeling Nightmare

by Barry Louis Polisar

Mike hit the window with the sledge;
We all heard it break.
Dave took a crowbar to the porch;
Made every rafter shake.

Dan tore down the kitchen wall,
Made a big hole in the floor.
I said, “Is this how you fix the house?”
They all answered, “Sure.”

George lit a fire in the tub,
Then tried to put it out.
Bob took the blowtorch to the wall,
I started to have my doubts.

Water poured down from the floor
Which caved the ceiling in.
The house was leaning to one side;
They each had a little grin.

Tom took my fathers pick-up truck,
Got stuck knee-deep in mud.
John cut the water line inside
Which made the basement flood.

Mike and George just laughed and said,
“Fix it later if you choose to.”
I guess they mean it when they say
“They don’t build things like they used to.”

They don’t build things like they used to

Bad Guys Broke Into Our Car

by Barry Louis Polisar

In the middle of the city,
In the middle of the day,
We parked our car,
We locked the door,
Then we walked away:
But bad guys broke into our car.

They broke the windshield,
They smashed a light,
It was really awful,
Mom said it wasn’t right.
They stole my jacket,
They took my shoes.
Took my suitcase
And my dirty laundry too:
Bad guys broke into our car.

They took my pillow,
Took my stuffed bear;
What could they want
With my dirty underwear?
They can have my suitcase,
They can have my shoes;
Take my sweater,
Take my jacket, too:
Bad guys broke into our car.

Take all my toys–
I’ve played with them enough;
Take all my clothes,
It’s just stuff:
Bad guys broke into our car

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Barnyard Stomp

Barnyard Stomp (redux)

by Barry Louis Polisar

Just like a rusty pick-up truck that’s missing it’s front wheel;
When you are not beside me, that’s just the way I feel.
Like peanut butter without jam — or peaches without cream,
A whistling tea kettle that’s runnin’ out of steam.
Some people search for meaning, but I see it so clear;
I’m glad to be alive and I am happy with you here.

I know I am so lucky to have you by my side;
The clouds all lift, the sky is blue, the world is big and wide.
Walking through the morning mist to catch the early light,
Or listening to the crickets underneath the moonlit night.
Some people search for meaning, but I see it so clear;
I’m glad to be alive and I am happy with you here.

I love the way you meet me standing at the kitchen door,
Constant as the stars above — or the waves up on the shore;
How you come runnin’ when I call, to play a game of catch
Or rest your head up on my lap to get a little scratch.
Some people search for meaning, but I see it so clear;
I’m glad to be alive and I am happy with you here.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Bumblebee Song

The Bumblebee Song

by Barry Louis Polisar

Have you ever thought to consider
What it might be like to be
A black and yellow fuzzy buzzing
Bumblebee like me.
I get migraines, I get headaches,
I get this buzzing in my ear.
Watch out you don’t sit on me
And I’ll watch out for your rear.

A four-winged hairy insect
Is what I’m meant to be.
People always run away
As soon as they see me.
Once I stung a little boy
(Afterall I am a bee).
The next day I broke out in hives;
I had an allergy.

Life’s not all milk and honey
If you’re a bee these days;
You get stepped on, you get swatted,
And shot at with poison sprays.
Splattered on a windshield,
Survivors are so few,
Runover by a lawnmower,
Or crushed beneath a shoe.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

But I'm Just Thirteen

But I’m Just Thirteen

by Barry Louis Polisar

Mom came home from the store last night
With groceries in her left arm and groceries in her right.
She asked me why I’d left the door unlocked
And why I was walking ’round in my socks,
Why the dog was sleeping on my nice clean bed,
Why I hadn’t done a single thing she’d said,
Why the ice cream had melted on the kitchen stove,
Why I didn’t let the dog out when he had to go,
Why my friends were over for cookies and milk,
Why the cookies were gone and the milk was spilt,
Why the goldfish were missing and the cat looked fed,
And who was doing jumping jacks in her bed?
Then with groceries in hand, she went through the door,
Didn’t see my roller skates lying on the floor,
She started to fall, her face turned green
And me, I said, “but I’m just thirteen.”

There was grape juice on the ceiling and splattered on the floor
Were the peanuts and the pickles and all across the door
Were the mustard and the mayonnaise and watermelon, too,
The jelly and the jiffy pop, all sorts of gook and goo;
Like cookies on the cabinets and raisins on the rug,
And melted ‘cross the tablecloth, a box of chocolate fudge,
Molasses on the light switch, syrup in the sink,
Honey on the hot dogs, something sure did stink.
Then doggie grabbed the hamburger and kitty grabbed the steak,
And running out the open door, they ate and ate and ate.
Mom, she started yelling, you should have heard her scream,
And me, I said, “But I’m just thirteen.”

Mom made me clean up all the mess I said I didn’t do
But I cleaned it all anyway, just like she told me to
I piled garbage five feet high, can’t say I didn’t try
in garbage cans and boxes and bags up to the sky
When Dad came home from work, he was tired as can be
I guess he was so tired, ‘Cause Daddy didn’t see
The garbage I had piled and the work that was so hard;
‘Cause when he hit ’em, they just splattered all across the yard
Dad of course exploded like a pot that popped it’s lid
He yelled at me and said, “Now, look what you just did.”
There was garbage in the driveway, garbage on the ground
Garbage on my Daddy, garbage all around,
Garbage on the window, garbage on the screen
And me I said, “But I’m Just thirteen.”

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

But They'll Never Have a Baby as Nice as Me

But They’ll Never Have a Baby as Nice as Me

by Barry Louis Polisar

What can I do, there’s a baby in the house
Nibbling at my mother and pulling at her blouse.
I wanted a brother, but how was I to know
I’d have to share my mother now I wish he’d go.
He sits upon her lap and gets bounced upon her knee,
But they’ll never have a baby as nice as me.
They’ll never have a baby as nice as me.

What can I do, there’s a baby inside.
He’s in our house and he even tried
To grab my blanket and to grab my clothes.
He makes a lot of noise and I suppose
He’s gonna be the center of our family.
But they’ll never have a baby as nice as me.
They’ll never have a baby as nice as me.

What can I do, there’s a baby in my room;
He’s sleeping in my crib and I presume
He’s gonna get my clothes, he’s gonna get my shoes,
My toys, my books and my grandmother, too.
They’ll even let him pick the shows on TV
But they’ll never have a baby as nice as me.
They’ll never have a baby as nice as me.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Callie Wallie Doodle All the Day

Callie Wallie Doodle All The Day

by Barry Louis Polisar

Went to the pound, got me a dog; I won’t forget the day
I brought her home, she wagged her tail and she began to play:
Dig a hole, dig a hole,
Dig a hole in the flower bed.
She dug up every plant and tree
Now all the grass is dead.

She grabbed hold of the curtains and then she gave a tug;
She left a little pile in the middle of the rug:
Eat a hole, eat a hole,
Eat a hole in the garbage can.
Once she tried to eat the
UPS delivery man.

We tried to train her on a leash, but she just wouldn’t stay.
I’d throw her sticks; she’d sit and stare and then she’d run away:
Break a hole, break a hole,
Break a hole right through the fence.
The neighbors will not talk to me,
Relationships are tense.

She sleeps upon my bed now; moves me out of the way.
The blankets are in shreds now, she barks at me all day:
Take the whole, take the whole,
Take the whole house…it is yours.
I’m sleeping on the floor now
And I’m scratching at the doors.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Chameleon

A Chameleon

by Barry Louis Polisar

A chameleon changes colors
When it wishes to,
From brown to black and back again–
To almost any hue.

It blends in with the grass or leaves
Or with a red brick wall;
Unlike those that run away
Or roll into a ball

A chameleon is a lizard.
Some imitate their ways;
Changing like the fashions,
The things they do and say.

If chameleons could speak
Perhaps they’d change their points of view,
And then you’d have to wonder who
Was imitating who.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Caterpillar

by Barry Louis Polisar

I used to know a caterpillar
Who would always try
To eat a lot so she would grow
Into a butterfly.
She didn’t like to crawl around
Inching slowly so,
She yearned to be a butterfly
And hoped one day to grow.
Everyone loves butterfiles,
Their beauty is reknowned,
But who cares for a caterpillar
Crawling on the ground?
And so one day she balled herself
Into a big cacoon;
She sat inside ’til satisfied
That she could finally bloom;
But thinking back, I’m not so sure
That it was worth the sweat,
‘Cause once she grew, she flew into
A big butterfly net.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Cindy's Absent

Cindy’s Absent

by Barry Louis Polisar

Cindy’s absent, she’s not here,
Why oh why? oh my; poor dear.

With thoughts of some exotic dish,
She began to eat the fish
That used to swim ’round in the bowl.
She ate and ate without control.

She ate the gold fish, ate the cat,
She ate some algae after that.
She nibbled scales and gills and bones,
She also ate some sand and stones.

She ate the plants in one big bite,
It did not curb her appetite;
Her stomach growled. X-rays expose
She also ate a clamp and hose.

I am very sad to say
That Cindy won’t be here today.
Everybody’s wearin’ black,
‘Cause Cindy won’t be coming back.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Crab

The Crab

by Barry Louis Polisar

And then there’s the crab,
Who complains bitterly
About how things aren’t how
She wants them to be.

She moves very slowly,
Inch upon inch;
With her claws she will paw you
And give you a pinch.

She’s crusty, she’s crass,
She’s also quite rude,
And if she’s not careful–
She ends up as food.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Craster

The Craster

by Barry Louis Polisar

The craster, fast, though not faster
Than the brash and raspy plasterer
Met with quite a sore disaster…
Perhaps because she was not faster.
She lived on trash under the plaster
Until the day that the old master
Sent to patch the cracking plaster
In his task, just cast her.
Now the moral is that every craster
Must one day, meet it’s master.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Dad Says That I Look Like Him

by Barry Louis Polisar

Dad says that I’ve got his nose, big and flat and long.
He tells me that I look like him but Mom says he is wrong.
Aunt Mary says I look just like my older brother, Wayne.
Aunt Jennie says my hair’s too long; I look like my sister Jane.
I wish they’d stop comparing me to everybody else.
“You walk like him,” “You talk like her.” I look just like myself.

My grandma says I’ve got the eyes of my great-grandpa John.
Uncle Dave says that I look just like my cousin’s mom.
Dad says that I’m built like him; Mom says Don’t be so sure.
Grandpa doesn’t say too much. he sits all day and snores.
I wish they’d stop comparing me to everybody else.
“You walk like him,” “You talk like her.” I look just like myself.

Dad says that I have his eyes. Mom says it isn’t true.
They say he must be blind and I know my eyes are blue.
Mom says that I talk to much, but if you ask me.
I look just like the milkman. Daddy says it couldn’t be.
I wish they’d stop comparing me to everybody else.
“You walk like him,” “You talk like her.” I look just like myself.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Diaper Rash

by Barry Louis Polisar

Be careful it will get you if you don’t watch out;
You can scream and you can holler, you can cry and you can pout.
It’s mean and its nasty; it’s ugly and its red,
It comes when you are sleeping alone in your bed.

It’s diaper rash
It’s diaper rash
It’s diaper rash

Diaper rash will get you if you don’t watch out;
It will sneak up on your rear or somewhere there about.
Nothing will ever help you ‘cept Vaseline or gel,
You won’t drive it away no matter how you yell.

It creeps up on you slowly if you don’t watch out;
You’ll grit your teeth, gnash your jaw, and thrash your legs about.
You gotta change the baby when baby starts to scream,
Anoint the butt with ointment and cover it with cream.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Dinosaur Song (not I'm a Three Toed, Triple-Eyed, Double-Jointed Dinosaur)

The Dinosaur Song

by Barry Louis Polisar

I’ve seen some mean and scary ordinary dinosaurs
Beware of their ranting, listen to their panting and do not ignore
The roar of their snorts, their tempers are short; I ask you to beware
If they’re near, I’d disappear, I’d also say a prayer

Everyone will laugh but their mouths won’t crack, they’ll sit there unamused
You’ll find out after, they don’t like laughter, nor do they approve
Some are sophomoric and call ’em prehistoric but they don’t understand
Watch for their sneer, run if their near. Avoid their reprimand

They hate girls and boys, they can’t stand noise, you better not say a word
They can’t take a joke. They fume and smoke, so their vision is often blurred
You’ll find they eat little kids for a treat, though it not the way you think
Their ways are subtle, but you’ll still be in trouble, ’til they become extinct

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Dog Barked

The Dog Barked

by Barry Louis Polisar

The man woke up. Something was wrong. He fell out of his bed;
He realized, he’d had a stroke when he could not turn his head.
The dog stirred when he heard the noise, awakened by the fall,
Saw that the man was breathing, but could not move at all.
He licked his face, he pawed him, gave a whimper and a yelp;
The hours passed, turned into days, but no one came to help.

The dog barked once, the dog barked twice,
The dog scratched at the door;
No one answered, no one came,
The man lay on the floor.

You can go for days and days without a thing to eat,
But you must drink to stay alive; the man knew he was beat.
He laid upon his back, planning for the worst,
He feared that he might not be found and soon would die of thirst.
Now a dog will drink from anywhere in order to survive,
But trapped inside that house how could he keep that man alive?

The dog picked up a shirt that he saw lying on the floor,
And clenched it tight within his jaw, went to the bathroom door.
He dipped it in the toilet bowl, he held it with his teeth,
Then brought it to his master, giving him relief.
He held that shirt right to his lips, the water dripped straight down;
The man was saved, he got to drink; the next day he was found.

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Doo Doo is a Bad Word

by Barry Louis Polisar

To be sung as a round:

Doo-Doo is a bad word, bad word, bad word
Doo-Doo is a very, very, very bad word

Pee-Pee is a bad word, bad word, bad word
Pee Pee is a very, very, very bad word

Pooh-Pooh is a bad word, bad word, bad word
Pooh-Pooh is a very, very, very bad word

And you are a bad boy, bad boy, bad boy
You are a very, very, very, bad boy.

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Don't Leave Me In the House Alone

Don’t Leave Me In the House Alone

by Barry Louis Polisar

I’m still a kid, barely eight years old;
Too young to be left alone, I’m told.
They’re are goblins and witches and evil outside
And here I am alone with them. I know I’m gonna die
I’m afraid, I’m afraid, afterall.
Scared out of my pants and there’s no one left to call.
You’re a louse. You’re a rat. You’re a gnat. You’re a gnome.
Don’t leave me in the house alone.
Don’t leave me in the house alone.

I’m not as old as I thought. I’m too young to stay alone.
A home is a house when there’s no one else at home.
I’ll do anything that you want me to do;
Wash all the dishes and polish my shoes.
I’ll make my bed and I’ll change the sheets.
I’ll eat anything that you tell me to eat.
You’re a louse. You’re a rat. You’re a gnat. You’re a gnome.
Don’t leave me in the house alone.
Don’t leave me in the house alone.

If I did something wrong, I won’t do it again.
My heart’s thumping louder, could this be the end?
I’ll be the best kid that you ever will see.
Won’t someone come and help rescue me?
I’ll clean up the kitchen. I’ll wash all the floors,
I’ll polish up the doorknobs on each and every door.
You’re a louse. You’re a rat. You’re a gnat. You’re a gnome.
Don’t leave me in the house alone.
Don’t leave me in the house alone.

I hear something knockin’ and it’s comin’ through the door.
I don’t know what it is; I’ve never heard that sound before.
The door’s swinging open; someone’s comin’ inside.
I’m standin’ on my bed and I don’t have time to hide.
Tell me who you are? Whatcha gonna do?
Oh…Hi Mom !….How are you?
You’re a louse. You’re a rat. You’re a gnat. You’re a gnome.
Don’t leave me in the house alone.
Don’t leave me in the house alone.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Don't Wake up the Baby

Don’t Wake up the Baby

by Barry Louis Polisar

Don’t wake up the baby or the baby will get you.
The baby don’t like to be waked.
He’ll throw his blanket to the floor, say “I don’t wanna sleep no more;
Don’t give me no more rattles to shake.
I don’t need no rest, just give me a breast
and put me on your lap.
I’m tired of lying down, I wanna crawl around;
I don’t need to take a nap.”

Don’t wake up the baby or the baby will get you.
That baby who looks so sweet
Has a monstrous side when his eyes open wide,
So tread lightly on your feet.
He will terrorize you when he opens his eyes;
He will scream and he’ll moan and he’ll yell.
He’ll rattle his rails and he’ll thrash and he’ll flail,
Not to mention how he’ll smell.

The baby will poop, the baby will make,
The baby has his routine.
And make no mistake, when he is awake,
That baby will have to be cleaned.
When the diapers not dry, you cannot deny
The job you’ve gotta do;
It’s not much fun, but it’s gotta be done
Be it number one or number two.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Don't You Cry, Now Don't You Fuss

Don’t You Cry, Now Don’t You Fuss

by Barry Louis Polisar

Don’t you cry, now don’t you fuss,
I know you’ll like it here with us
Though sometimes things seem awfully bad,
Don’t be sorry, don’t be sad.

For every raindrop, there’s a seed
That’ll sprout a sunflower or a weed.
The world is filled with things to do;
There’s fiddles and flutes and diggery-doos.

There’s trees to climb and seas to sail,
Bumps and bruises, then there’s Yale,
Music, art, nature, and food;
Swimming in the river in the nude.

There’s boils, pimples, plagues, and frogs,
Termites, roaches, sewers that clog;
Though every rose has a thorny side,
I think that you’ll be satisfied.
For every freeze, there’s a thaw
Or a wagging tail or a hairy paw;
You’ve got flowers in the yard,
Tomatoes in the garden, and St. Bernards.

You’ve got youth, then you get a little older;
Heat waves, sun stroke, it gets colder.
Dogs will bark in the middle of the night;
They’ll wake you up, but that’s all right.

There’s beavers, beetles, bees and seals;
Bugs and slugs, and snakes and eels;
Measles, mumps, fever and flu,
Stomach aches, heartbreaks, sunburn, too.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Don't Put Your Finger Up Your Nose

Don’t Put Your Finger Up Your Nose

by Barry Louis Polisar

Don’t put your finger up your nose,
‘Cause your nose knows that’s not the place it goes.
You can sniffle, you can sneeze,
But I’m asking you–please–
Don’t put your finger up your nose.

Don’t stick your finger in your ear,
‘Cause then your ear will find it hard to hear.
You can thump and you can tug it,
But please don’t plug it–
Don’t stick your finger in your ear.

Don’t put your finger in your eye,
That’s not a thing I think you oughta try.
You can blink it, you can wink it,
But I don’t think it
Would be good to put your finger in your eye.

And don’t stick your finger down your throat.
‘Cause that will just make you start to choke.
Then up will come your dinner
And you’ll start to look much thinner,
So don’t stick your finger down your throat.

Don’t put your finger up your nose,
‘Cause your nose knows that’s not the place it goes.
You can sniffle, you can sneeze,
But I’m asking you, please–
Don’t put your finger up your nose.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Don't Eat the Food That is Sitting On Your Plate

Don’t Eat the Food That is Sitting On Your Plate

by Barry Louis Polisar

Don’t eat the food that is sitting on your plate
But smear it in your ear and smash it in your face;
Mash your mashed potatoes and stuff ’em down your pants,
Wiggle ’em around a bit and do a little dance.
Pour your milk upon the floor and slip and slide around,
Slosh and splash and giggle and roll around the ground,
Butter up a piece of bread and stick it in your shoe,
Pour your milk upon your head and on your neighbor, too.

Never eat your string beans or brussell sprouts or bread
But chomp and chew on chocolate and cherry pie instead;
Soon you’ll feel so sick that you wan’t wanna stand up,
The gurgle in your stomach will finally erupt,
Your teacher will not like you and your teeth will all turn gray,
And you will feel so sad that you ever heard me say.

Don’t eat the food that is sitting on your plate
But smear it in your ear and smash it in your face;
Mash your mashed potatoes and stuff ’em down your pants,
Wiggle ’em around a bit and do a little dance.
Pour your milk upon the floor and slip and slide around,
Slosh and splash and giggle and roll around the ground,
Butter up a piece of bread and stick it in your shoe,
Pour your milk upon your head and on your neighbor, too.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Donuts

by Barry Louis Polisar

Tomatoes from the garden are a summer treat
But it’s a donut that I wanna eat;
Put ’em in your salad, put ’em in your stew,
Heat ’em and eat ’em with your barbecue.

Honey glazed or filled with jelly,
Gives life meaning as it fills your belly,
But be careful ’cause I swear that it’ll
Give you a bulge right in your middle.
Just like life, so round and sweet;
Eat too many, it’ll settle in your seat.

Don’t feel sad or insecure;
Ain’t nothing in the world that a donut won’t cure.
Eat ’em with your meat loaf, eat ’em with your greens,
Eat ’em with your broccoli, eat ’em with your beans.

Matzo balls and chicken broth can help you through the croup
But I’d rather have a donut float in’ in my soup;
Take em from the freezer; fry ’em on a griddle,
When the sugar melts, stick ice cream in the middle.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing the song:

Do This, Do That

by Barry Louis Polisar

Stop moving about,
Sit up straight,
Comb you hair,
Now don’t be late.
Do this, do that,
Sit still, don’t move.
Don’t do anything
I don’t approve.

That’s all we hear. That’s all they say.
Every night and every day.

Be quiet. Shut up.
Go change your clothes.
Behave yourself.
Don’t pick your nose.
Drink this, Eat that.
Sit down, grow up.
Move here, sit there.
Don’t interrupt.

That’s all we hear. That’s all they say.
Every night and every day.

Move fast, Slow down.
Now look what you’ve done.
Who gave permission
For you to have fun?
Button your lip.
Go zip your fly.
Your finger is bleeding;
Now tell me why?

That’s all we hear. That’s all they say.
Every night and every day.

You’re eating too fast,
Now don’t deny it.
Don’t talk so much.
Why are you so quiet?
Go here. Go there.
Don’t wheeze Don’t sneeze.
Get off the floor.
Don’t move. Don’t breathe.

That’s all we hear. That’s all they say.
Every night and every day.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Early Sunday Morning

by Barry Louis Polisar

Early Sunday morning
When my parents were asleep
I snuck out of my bedroom
To the kitchen I did creep
I went into the cupboard
And I got some peanut butter.
I was oh, so careful
Not to wake my mother.
With the sticky icky peanut butter
Stuck to me like fudge
I tried to shake my brother
But Tommy wouldn’t budge.
When I whispered in his ear,
He was still asleep
So I crawled upon his tummy
And I tickled both his feet
First I heard him grumble
And he chased me down the stairs
And grabbed me by the ear lobe
And tried to pull my hair.
He hit him in the tummy
And he tried to grab my face
And round and round the house
We both began to chase.
I went and got some ice cream
And poured it in his hair
Then he threw an apple at me
So I hit him with a pear.
The eggs were hurled across the room
I hid behind the chairs.
And Tommy ran right after me
When I ran up the stairs.

We were hanging on the curtains
When our parents saw us there,
With chocolate on our underwear
And ice cream in our hair.
There was chocolate on the couch
And eggs upon the chairs
Tomatoes on the door
There was ketchup on the stairs,
Milk spilt on the floor,
Curtains ripped and torn,
Peanut butter on the rug,
And our pajamas torn
Our Daddy was so angry.
Mom yelled at both of us.
She said we had to clean up.
There was nothing to discuss.
So now on Sunday mornings
When my parents are asleep
Sometimes I still get hungry
And I want something to eat.
Early Sunday mornings
When my parents are asleep,
I sneak out of my bedroom
To the kitchen I still creep.
I go into the cupboard
And I get some peanut butter
But I’m oh, so careful
Not to wake my mother.

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Ellen Grew A Beard

by Barry Louis Polisar

Ellen grew a beard
And as soon as it appeared,
Her father was elated
In fact, he loudly stated,
“I’ve always wanted a son
And now I guess I have one.
It would not be a bother.”
I guess that’s the attitude of some fathers.

Now Ellen’s friends all turned their backs; not the right way to react
For a friendship is a friendship and inherit in that pact
Is sticking through the times that are rough
And all that idealistic stuff.
I guess that’s the way that some things go:
We ignore what we don’t want to know although
The point that I’d like to instill
Is I doubt that Ellen will.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Elvin and the Witch (see the Witch)

The Witch

by Barry Louis Polisar

A woman lived alone, not far from a town,
In a run-down old house that was falling to the ground.
The children in the neighborhood would taunt her and laugh;
They’d tease her all the time; said she never took a bath.

They said her house was haunted, they’d scream and yell and jeer.
They’d throw things in her yard, they’d point at her and sneer.
They said she was a witch and they made fun of her clothes.
They’d laugh at the warts that were growing on her nose.

After years of being taunted, she could finally take no more;
She offered each an apple that was poisoned to the core.
She grabbed them by the hair, while their poisoned bellies ached,
Then threw them in her oven and cooked them into cakes.

She’d put them in her kettle, she baked some into pies;
She’d puree them, souflle them, muffling their cries.
Now there’s a lesson or two that I think can be had,
’bout what makes some good and makes others bad;

If you shut people out or push them away,
Don’t be surprised to find one day
That all your friends are gone and you’re in a stew;
And those that you’ve shut out are devouring you.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Everywhere You Go

by Barry Louis Polisar

Everywhere you go, there’s stuff to waste your money on
TV and radio want you to spend it ’til it’s gone
They’ll sell you junk and garbage and then proceed
to sell you more stuff than you’ll ever need
They advertise it all–so endlessly
But just in case it works, say this with me:

Mommy, Mommy, buy me new shoes
A videophone and a three day cruise
I want a new computer and a cell phone too
A digital camera and that new shampoo
A puzzle and a game and a color TV
Posters for my room and a DVD

Daddy, Daddy buy me that bike
With stripes on the side in the color I like
I need a new drum set and a super hero cape
A doll that can eat and can change her shape
I wanna toy dog and a big toy gun
And I think that Barry’s CDs would really be fun….

Mommy, Mommy, buy me new shoes
A videophone and a three day cruise
I want a new computer and a cell phone too
A digital camera and that new shampoo….

First It Bit My Behind

by Barry Louis Polisar

First it bit my behind,
Then nibbled on my ear;
I’d rather have my hearing marred
Than tooth marks on my rear.

Then it took away my sister
While we were all dining…
Been about a month now; all
clouds have a silver lining.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Five More Minutes

by Barry Louis Polisar

Ever since this morning
When you got out of bed
You’ve waited for me to be done
And listened when I said
I just need five more minutes
I won’t be very long
I know I said that earlier
But I guess that I was wrong

Can’t you read another book
Or watch some more TV ?
I just need five more minutes
Please sit there patiently.
I’m sure there’s something you can do
Is all your homework done?
I’ve got a list of things to do
And I’m checkin’ off each one

Everytime you call my name
To see if I am ready
Makes it take much longer and
I’ve told you twice already
I just need five more minutes
So go wait in the car
You think you’re bein patient
But I don’t think you are

Why don’t you call up Grandma?
She’ll always talk to you
I just need five more minutes
And then I will be through
I know its gotten really late
I’m still not done you know
Just wait until tomorrow
I promise we will go
I promise we will go……

Listen to Barry sing this song:

For My Sister, Wherever I May Find Her (see I Used To Have a Sister)

I Used To Have a Sister

by Barry Louis Polisar

I used to have a sister, until just recently;
A sister who was oh, so mean to me.
So I learned some magic tricks; could turn a dog into a cat,
I made a meat ball talk, I pulled a rabbit from my hat.
I made the TV walk, I made the broom dance at night,
I grew fur on our furniture, and gave our snowman sight.
And I told my sister, “you’d better stay clear–
Or I’ll call up the magic words to make you disappear.”

Well she just turned around; tried to whack me on my nose,
She pulled my hair, she bit my hand, and stomped upon my toes.
I quickly closed my eyes, gave my head a little jerk
And then I said the magic words and hoped that it would work.
I said, “skinny ba binny ba babble dee boo…
Lobbady lobbady liiddy lap loo”

I opened my eyes slowly and as tall as can be
In the corner by the TV set stood a big apple tree;
My magic didn’t work–she was supposed to be gone,
Not be an apple tree…oh what had I done wrong?
And though I’m very sorry, I know all is not lost
Because me and my family all love applesauce.
There’s only one problem as far as we can see;
The apples that we pick from her are sour as can be.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Fred

by Barry Louis Polisar

I eat baby chipmunks
I eat lizards, birds and squirells
Sometimes I eat little boys
And sometimes little girls
I’m taller than a condominium
Bigger than a shopping Mall
Ain’t Thunder rumblin’ under me
When I walk down the hall

But no one runs away from me;
no one hides under their bed
No one is afraid of me
because my name is Fred

I use dead skunks for deodorant
I’m scary through and through
I use rattlesnkaes for shoelaces
Meaner monsters–are quite few
Now you might think it’s funny
You might think it’s one big joke
Try to be a monster just like me
see who runs when you blow smoke

No one runs away from me;
No one hides under their bed
No one is afraid of me
Because my name is Fred

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Get Your Hand Off Of My Leg and Your Foot Out Of My Shoe

by Barry Louis Polisar

Your face is friendly and you’re smart and you are always clean,
I know you have the nicest nose I knows I’ve ever seen,
Your personality’s a plus, you always are well-dressed,
But here’s a little something that I’d like to suggest:

Get your hand off my leg, get your foot out of my shoe;
I love you very much, I just can’t stand the things you do.
Stop tickling me, don’t grab my knee, stop wearing all my clothes,
Get your feet off of my elbow, get your elbow off my nose.

Maybe I am touchy, but I think that you are too;
I wish you wouldn’t rub so much and tickle like you do.
Keep your hands right by your side and your toes off of my knee;
I don’t know what is wrong with you, but it’s rubbing off on me.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Giggle Tickle Fiddle Little Wiggle Around

by Barry Louis Polisar

If you’re ever feeling down
Go giggle tickle fiddle little wiggle around

Giggle tickle fiddle little wiggle around
Left right backwards and upside down
Giggle tickle fiddle little wiggle around
Go walkin’ and a talkin’ and a squalkin’ to the sound

Back and forth go stand on your head
Colors of the rainbow, yellow and red
Windshield wipers slapping in the rain
Go flapping and a clappin’ and a chuggin like a train

Giggle tickle fiddle little wiggle around
Left right backwards and upside down
Giggle tickle fiddle little wiggle around
Go walkin’ and a talkin’ and a squalkin’ to the sound

sunshine bright stars above
Gleaming in the moonlight with the one you love
Hands on your head, go hopping around
With a kiss and a hug and a wonderful sound

Giggle tickle fiddle little wiggle around
Left right backwards and upside down
Giggle tickle fiddle little wiggle around
Go walkin’ and a talkin’ and a squalkin’ to the sound

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Go and Hush the Baby

by Barry Louis Polisar

“Go and hush the baby,” was what my Mommy said,
The baby was crying; I thought she’d wet her bed.
I went into the baby’s room, said, “Baby, don’t you cry.”
But baby didn’t listen so I sang a lullaby.
I bounced her in my arms, I sat her in a chair.
I caught her almost every time I threw her in the air.

But baby kept on crying, I couldn’t make her stop,
I tried to make her burp, but baby just would not.
I thought perhaps I’d wash her–her smell was hard to stand.
I grabbed my nose and changed her clothes; that’s how it all began.
I was washing baby when baby disappeared,
I don’t know how it happened; I just know that it sounds weird.

A hand came up from in the pipe and pulled her down the drain,
And now it seems that baby will not be seen again.
There is no trace of baby now–there is no residue,
Just a piece of broken soap and a bottle of shampoo.
I think my mom and dad will yell–they’ll tell me I’m so bad;
To think I lost another one–oh boy, will they be mad!

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Hands and Kilometers

Have a Little Smoke?

by Barry Louis Polisar

Well I was walking down the street,
When I chanced to see
A baby waddling back and forth,
And crawling right to me.
And she said, “Have a little smoke?
Have a little smoke? Have a little smoke with me?
Have a little smoke? Have a little smoke?
Won’t you have a little smoke with me?”

Her hat was pulled dwn over her eyes,
her diaper it was ripped.
And dangling down to my surprise:
A cigarette between her lips.
And she said, “Have a little smoke?
Have a little smoke? Have a little smoke with me?
Have a little smoke? Have a little smoke?
Won’t you have a little smoke with me?”

Well I took that smoke, began to choke,
I gagged and coughed and spit.
My throat felt sore, I fell to the floor,
But the cigarette still was lit.
And she said, “Have a little smoke?
Have a little smoke? Have a little smoke with me?
Have a little smoke? Have a little smoke?
Won’t you have a little smoke with me?”

Oh my eyes ouffed out, I began to shout
And I coughed and choked and gagged.
I was close to death, I caught my breath.
She said, “Want another drag?”
And she said, “Have a little smoke?
Have a little smoke? Have a little smoke with me?
Have a little smoke? Have a little smoke?
Won’t you have a little smoke with me?”

For goodness sake how my head ached.
It took my breath away.
As I coughed and gasped, I felt her grasp;
Once more I heard her say.
And she said, “Have a little smoke?
Have a little smoke? Have a little smoke with me?
Have a little smoke? Have a little smoke?
Won’t you have a little smoke with me?”

I think I know why babies smoke:
It makes them think they’re older.
But me I think I’m old enough,
And this is what I told her:
“I won’t have a little smoke?
won’t have a little smoke? won’t have a little smoke with you?
Won’t have a little smoke? Won’t have a little smoke?
Won’t have a little smoke with you?”

Listen to Barry sing this song:

He Eats Asparagus, Why Can't You Be That Way?

He Eats Asparagus,
Why Can’t You Be That Way?

by Barry Louis Polisar

Whenever I am naughty, whenever I am bad,
Whenever I do something that makes my parents mad;
Like the time I bit the mailman or left stuff on the floor,
My parent’s say, “Why can’t you be like the boy who lives next door?”

He always makes his bed and he always eats his food,
He likes his itty, bitty sister and he’s never ever rude,
And when I don’t eat what’s on my plate, my parents both will say,
“He Eats Asparagus, why can’t you be that way?”

He is never dirty, he always takes a bath,
He loves to do his homework too, especially math.
At school he is an angel, he always sits up straight,
He’s always very helpul and he never comes in late.

He always says, “I’m sorry,” “Excuse me,” “Thank you,” “Please,”
He always dresses nicely–not like me.
He’s never spilt his milk, lost a glove or slammed a door,
Stuck out his tongue or giggled in school or left things on the floor.

He goes to bed at nine each night and brushes all his teeth,
And Mommy wishes I was him and that he was me.
I’ve never even seen him even burp, he does what he is told,
But the boy next door is thirty four years old.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Hey Jack, What's In the Sack?

Hey Jack, What’s In the Sack?

by Barry Louis Polisar

Hey Jack, what’s in the sack?
What’s in the sack
That you’re carrying on your back,
Jack?

It bounces and it moves,
I think that I can hear it talk
it makes you go so slowly
And stumble when you walk.

I know they say that you’re deranged
And I think that it’s alive
I know that something’s very strange;
I think you have someone inside.

Now I know I heard a voice,
It sounded like a cry.
I thought I heard a whimper
But I don’t want to pry

Its heavin’ and it’s movin’
And it’s rollin’ out the door
It’s little Billy Nicholson–
Say what’d you have him in there for?

Hey Jack, what’s in the sack?
What’s in the sack
That you’re carrying on your back,
Jack?

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Homemade Band

Home Made Band

by Barry Louis Polisar

Stuck at home with nothing to do,
Nothing to do, nothing to do,
Stuck at home with nothing to do,
Let’s make a homemade band.

You grab the big pot, I’ll grab the pan,
I’ll grab the pan, I’ll grab the pan,
You grab the big pot, I’ll grab the pan,
We’re making a home made band.

Grab all the silverware, click on the spoons,
Click on the spoons, click on the spoons,
Grab all the silverware, click on the spoons,
We’re making a home made band.

Tap on the tabletop, stomp on the floor,
Stomp on the floor, Stomp on the floor,
Tap on the tabletop, stomp on the floor,
We’re making a home made band.

Zip up your zippers, click on your heels,
Click on your heels, click on your heels,
Zip up your zippers, click on your heels,
We’re making a home made band.

Flush all the toilets, bang on the pipes,
Bang on the pipes, bang on the pipes,
Flush all the toilets, bang on the pipes,
We’re making a homemade band.

Listen to Barry sing this song:

I Am Very Sad to Say That Cindy Won't Be Out to Play (See Cindy's Absent)

I Can Do Anything

by Barry Louis Polisar

I can do anything, anything I want to,
Anything I want to, anything I want to.
I can do anything, anything I want to,
When I see Grandma and Grandpa.

The world is my oyster, I am the king,
I love it when they’re visiting.
They let me do most anything,
When I see Grandma and Grandpa.

I can ride on the dog, I can roll on the rug,
Hang on Grandpa’s clothes, give his nose a tug,
Turn the radio on and chew on the plug,
When I see Grandma and Grandpa.

I get toys and books, get washed, get fed;
They let me stay up, I don’t have to go to bed.
They bounce me around and read to me instead,
When I see Grandma and Grandpa.

They take me to the store, they take me to the zoo,
They buy me anything that I ask them to.
They’re never, ever tired and I’m overdue
To see my Grandma and Grandpa.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

I Can't, I Can't

I Can’t, I Can’t

by Barry Louis Polisar

I can’t, I can’t,
I can’t, I can’t,
Yes you can,
Yes you can,
Yes you can,
Yes you can

I can’t, I can’t,
I can’t, I can’t,
Yes you can,
Yes you can,
Yes you can,
Yes you can

I can’t, I can’t,
I can’t, I can’t,
Yes you can,
Yes you can,
Yes you can,
Yes you can

I can’t, I can’t,
I can’t, I can’t,
I caannnnnnnnnttttttttt!!!

Hmm…I guess he couldn’t

Listen to Barry read this poem:

I Can't Tie my Shoe

I Can’t Tie My Shoe

by Barry Louis Polisar

I know this sounds funny but I’m afraid that it’s true
There’s something so simple I simply can’t do
Lots of people talkin’; you’d laugh if you knew
I just never learned how to tie my shoe

I’m sure its a question of aptitude;
Talent is something that I exude
But none of my talents seem to include
How to tie up the lace on my shoe

Now some folks laugh when they hear the news
I think their behavior is awfully rude
They ask me to dance, I have to refuse
I just don’t know how to tie my shoes

Everyday I work so hard–and there’s stuff I can do
I can play the guitar, I can sing you the blues
I can sing falsetto, sing bass, too,
I just can’t seem to tie my shoe.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

I'd Be Me

I’d Be Me

by Barry Louis Polisar

I wouldn’t wanna be a movie star and get mobbed wherever I go.
I don’t need to be on TV or hear my songs on the radio.
People always tell me one day I’ll be a star,
But every star burns out one day even if they’re popular.

Ah happiness, I’ve found the key;
If I could be somebody…I’d be me.

I don’t need no limousine; I don’t need no private plane.
I’m happy being who I am, I wouldn’t wanna be John Wayne;
Though I loved his role in “Stagecoach”; loved what he did and said,
It all sounds better coming from him–beside’s he’s dead.

I wouldn’t be David Slavitt, though I really love his poems,
I wouldn’t be Dr Shockley, I don’t got the right chromosomes.
So if you wanna be happy–it’s easy as ABC;
The best advice I can give you is: be me!

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

I Didn't Mean To

I Didn’t Mean To

by Barry Louis Polisar

It seems whenever things go wrong, I am the one who you accuse
Sometimes I’m blamed for accidents and things that I just didn’t do.
I am very often guilty, it’s true I do like to have fun,
But usually I didn’t mean to do the things you’ve said I’ve done.

I didn’t mean to break the window or to sit down on the cake
I didn’t mean to spill my grape juice, can’t a kid make a mistake?
I didn’t mean to forget my homework, I didn’t mean to break the jar
Or watch TV when you said not to or run down Grandma in Daddy’s car.

I didn’t mean to hit my sister, I didn’t mean to knock her down
I didn’t mean to tie her up and hold her mouth when she came ’round.
I didn’t mean to saw the table or seal up the bathroom door
I was just experimenting to see what a hammer and nails are for.

I didn’t mean to shave the kitty, I now know that was very wrong
I didn’t mean to break the lamp, I didn’t mean to sing this song,
Circumstances have been better, I didn’t mean it–isn’t that clear?
But you’re two days late to take me home; hope you didn’t mean to leave me here.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

I Don't Believe You're Going to the Bathroom

I Don’t Believe You’re Going To The Bathroom

by Barry Louis Polisar

I see you with your hand held up
It’s the third time today.
I don’t believe you need to go
I think you don’t wanna stay.
The first time was at nine o’clock
I gave you your first pass
Later you asked me again
To be excused from class

You kids think you can fool me.
You think that I’m a fool.
I know what goes on in your minds
I know you hate this school
I know you have your little tricks
To sneak moments here and there.
You think I don’t know what you do.
You think that I don’t care.

Put down your hand this moment
I know when I see a fake.
You don’t have to go anywhere.
‘Cause you don’t have to make.
Raise your hand just one more time
You’ll be standing in the hall.
Hey wait, no put your pants on!
No, not against the wall.

You kids think you can fool me.
You think that I’m a fool
I know what goes on in your minds
I know you hate this school.
I know you have your little tricks
To sneak moments here and there.
You think I don’t know what you do.
You think that I don’t care.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

I Don't Brush My Teeth and I Never Comb My Hair

I Don’t Brush My Teeth

by Barry Louis Polisar

I don’t brush my teeth; I never comb my hair
I wear the same socks everyday and I don’t care

I never have to clean my room. I never change my shirt
I like my pants the way they are; ripped and caked with dirt
I wash my hands on Sunday. Monday I change my clothes
There’s lint stuck in my belly button and dirt in between my toes

I ride the bus to school each day, everyone makes room for me
I like to shower twice a year to help me socially
My teacher never calls on me, she’s so afraid she’ll faint
She says my grammars good enough, but I’m almost sure it ain’t

Take a whiff if you want to; come close if you dare
But I don’t brush my teeth and I never comb my hair

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

I Don't Think My Teacher Likes Me

I Don't Wanna Go to School

I Don’t Wanna Go To School

by Barry Louis Polisar

“I don’t wanna go to school,” Tom said to his mommy.
“You know you have to go to school,” Mom said back to Tommy.
“No one likes me there,” said Tom. He hid beneath the covers.
“I’d rather stay in bed,” he said. “Grow up,” said Tommy’s mother.

Tom ducked his head beneath the sheets and kicked his feet about.
His mother heard him whimpering and told him not to pout.
“I just can’t face another day, the children are not nice.”
She wiped his cheek and told him to follow her advice.

“But people laugh at me at school,” Tom told his mom again.
“The teachers will not talk to me. I don’t have any friends.”
“Now Tom get up,” said Tommy’s mom. She hoped he was convincible.
“You’ve got to go to school,” she said, “because you are the Principal.”

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

I Eat Kids Klezmer Polka (I Eat Kids)

I Eat Kids

by Barry Louis Polisar

I always thought that cows looked prettier in a field
Than on my plate at supper being served up as the meal.
And though I do like hamburger, fried chicken or a steak,
I prefer my chickens cackling to fried, cooked or baked.
I stopped eating animals and I’m glad I finally did;
But I get my protein ’cause I eat kids.

It used to be a problem just eating rice and beans
And I think you probably know exactly what I mean.
And I never really knew if I was eating all I should
But I don’t have that problem know and it feels pretty good
I stopped eating animals and I’m glad I finally did;
But I get my protein ’cause I eat kids.

So its goodbye veal marsala, goodbye leg of lamb,
Hello Michael, Sarah, Mark and Pam.
I won’t eat chicken and I won’t eat a cow;
I don’t eat animals, I eat children now.
I stopped eating animals and I’m glad I finally did;
But I get my protein ’cause I eat kids.

Listen to Barry sing this song:

I Forgot

by Barry Louis Polisar

I meant to take a bath and clean the spot
Where the dog messed up but I forgot.

I meant to take the garbage out and wash my hands
I know you told me twice but I didn’t understand.

I meant to go to school but I forgot the way;
I would have told you sooner if I’d known what to say.

I forgot my homework, I forgot to eat.
I forgot to brush my teeth and wash my feet.

I forgot my lunch box and I forgot…
Something else…but I forgot what.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry song this song:

If You Have A Kid Who Complains All The Time

by Barry Louis Polisar

If you have a kid who complains all the time,
Hollers and pouts and cries and whines,
Screams and stomps his feet all day;
Don’t be angry, give him away.
Don’t be angry, give him away.

Follow my advice and you will see,
Things will be better than you’d ever believe;
You don’t have to worry when he’s immature,
Who needs understanding, this works for sure.
Who needs understanding, this works for sure.

If your little brother isn’t very good
And won’t do a thing that a good boy should,
I’ve got a thing that’ll set that right:
Lock him in a box and he’s outta sight,
Lock him in a box and he’s outta sight.

If you have a sister who’s a nasty brat,
Don’t tell her little girls shouldn’t act like that.
My method is simple to understand:
Package her securely and ship her to Iran,
Package her securely and ship her to Iran.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

I Looked Into the Mirror; What Did the Mirror Say?

I Looked Into the Mirror;
What Did the Mirror Say?

by Barry Louis Polisar

I looked into the mirror; what did the mirror say
“You’re the ugliest kid I’ve seen, will you please go away”

My feelings had been hurt; I was really crushed
I combed my hair, washed my clothes, my teeth had all been brushed
I took my fathers brand new coat and my brothers blue bow tie
I came back to the mirror to get a new reply
“Mirror, mirror on the wall, how do I look to you?”
“Just like that ugly kid,” the mirror said as I withdrew

I found my mothers make-up kit and my grandmother’s green wig
I spread some lipstick on my lips and made my chest look big
I put my sister’s sweater on, I rolled up both the sleeves
The mirror didn’t say a word and I was so relieved
Then finally it spoke to me and made me feel so dumb
It said, “You’re still weird and ugly…how come?”

I couldn’t fool that mirror, no matter how I tried
I spent days and days trying and crying lots inside
I changed the way I dressed and talked, read every fashion book
What’s important is who you are–not the way you look
The best reflection on who you are comes from another place
But I bought a brand new shirt and vest and got a haircut just in case!

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

I Lost My Pants

by Barry Louis Polisar

I lost my pants–has anybody seen them?
I can’t go anywhere until they return.
I can’t go back to school this way; I know they’ll send me home;
Being naked is my concern.

My pants ran away while I was sound asleep;
They slipped away so silently, they didn’t make a peep.
I wonder where they went to? I wish they’d come back soon.
I want my slacks to walk right back and sit down in my room.

This happens all the time–last week it was my gloves,
After that my hat, then the jacket that I love.
Dad won’t help me look for them. You know what he said?
“All your clothes are rumpled up and dumped beside your bed.”

I left them here just yesterday when I went to bed–
And here they are, I found them; just like my daddy said.
Now finally I can do whatever I may choose.
I can even go to school again….if I can find my shoes.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

I Love My Daddy

I Love Your Eyes

by Barry Louis Polisar

I love your eyes, I love your ears,
I love your elbows too.
I love your thighs, I’m hypnotized
By every inch of you.

I love your toes, I love your nose,
Your giggle and your grin,
The way you walk, the way you talk,
I love the hair on your chin.

I love your cranium, I love your neck,
What the heck, I love your arteries, too.
I love your fibula and your tibia,
I love you bone tissue.

Words can’t tell how I feel about your cells,
Your liver and your kidneys and your hips,
Your maxillaries and your capillaries,
Your femur and your fingertips.

I love your vertebrae and I just wanna say
Your membranes make me moan.
I love your dimples and your pimples
and I thank heaven for your funny bone.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

I Miss Grandma

by Barry Louis Polisar

I miss Grandma ’cause Grandma isn’t here
I haven’t seen or talked to her for at least a year.
She used to take me shopping, then we’d go out to eat,
She’d buy me a Coca Cola and complain about the heat.
I’d complain about the way she’d chew with her false teeth,
How she didn’t drive her car right and would embarrass me.

But Grandma would listen to me; she taught me to be fair.
She was the best friend that I had, we’d go everywhere.
Sometimes I would make her laugh and sometimes she would cry.
She never really felt too well, after Grandpa died.
I miss Grandma, ’cause Grandma isn’t here.
I haven’t seen or talked to her for at least a year.
She used to take me shopping, then we’d go out to eat.
She’d buy me a Coca-Cola and complain about the heat.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

I'm a Slug

I’m A Slug

by Barry Louis Polisar

I love broccoli, I love Swiss chard,
I love all the flowers in the yard,
I love butternut squash, cucumbers too,
Cantaloupe and honeydew.

‘Cause I’m a slug
I’m a slug
I’m a slug

Pick me up, no need to squirm,
I won’t wiggle around like an itty bitty worm.
I don’t got no fur, don’t got no tail,
No gills, no scales, and I ain’t no snail.

I like to climb up and down your vine
And leave a little trail; just a slimy line.
My tiny antennae flipping’ side to side,
Which way should I go? I can’t decide.

I’m a little bit slippery but only a little,
Round like a snake but fatter in the middle.
Step on me; no need to scream,
I’m much more lovable than I seem.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

I'm a Three-Toed, Triple-Eyed, Double-Jointed Dinosaur

I’m a Three-Toed, Triple-Eyed, Double-Jointed Dinosaur

by Barry Louis Polisar

I’m a three-toed, triple-eyed, double-jointed dinosaur
With warts up and down my back.
I eat shiny automobiles, tow-trucks and airplanes,
I love to munch on railroad tracks.

I sleep all day, at night I play,
Some say I am well read;
I eat two or three libraries for breakfast
And they go right to my head.

Factories are good for snacks,
I love that red hot steel.
And you know we need our supply
Of iron in our meals.

I love burnt toast, raw fish, and roast,
Buttered asparagus, too.
But the thing that I like most to eat
Is little kids just like you!

I’m a three-toed, triple-eyed, double-jointed dinosaur
With warts up and down my back.
I eat shiny automobile, tow-trucks and airplanes,
I love to munch on railroad tracks.

Listen to Barry sing this song:

I'm Bored

I’m Bored
(apologies to John Berryman)

by Barry Louis Polisar

I’m bored, its true;
I don’t have anything to do.
Mom says she’ll keep me busy,
But I’ve heard her line before;
I don’t wanna cut the grass
Or pick my stuff off of the floor.

I’m bored, its true;
I don’t have anythng to do.
Homework bores me,
So does the radio;
They play the same songs over,
I’ve seen all the TV shows.

I’m bored, its true;
I don’t have anything to do.
I know I must not say so,
But I’m bored through and through.
I have no inner resources,
I admit that it’s true.

I’m bored, its true;
I don’t have anything to do.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

I'm Late

I’m Late

by Barry Louis Polisar

You know I’m only late because I missed the school bus,
And I lost my concentration when I tried to rush,
My dog chewed my shoe then swallowed my sock;
Would’ve ridden my bike but it was locked.

You know I’m only late because I had some eggs,
When my little baby brother bit me on my leg;
I fell off my chair and fell back on the floor,
Hit my little bitty head on the dining room door.

I’m only late because I had to take a shower,
Then the lights went out and when I thought we lost the power
I just didn’t know what I was supposed to do,
So I went back to bed for an hour or two.

I’m only late because I didn’t get woken,
My Mom was gonna drive me but the car was still broken;
My cat ate my hat, then my dog ate my cat,
I would’ve set the alarm clock but I couldn’t find that.

I’m only late cause I was sitting in bed
When I should been dressing’ and gettin’ fed,
But by the time I left it was ten past ten
And that’s why I’m late for school again.

You know it’s not my fault, now don’t blame me;
I’m not the kind of kid to shake responsibility.
It should have been different — that’s a cry in shame
But I’m innocent and clearly not to blame.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

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I'm Standing Naked on the Kitchen Table, Trying To Get Your Attention

I Need You Like a Donut Needs a Hole

by Barry Louis Polisar

I Need You Like a donut needs a hole,
Like pianos need fingers, heart, and soul.
We go together like peanuts in a shell,
I’m gonna hold you in my arms like water in a well.

I love you like flowers love the sun,
Like birds love to fly and kids like to run,
Like trees love leaves and leaves turn brown,
Like rabbits in the meadow like to hop around.

When we are together, side by side
It’s like a roller coaster and a carousel ride.
The clouds all lift and sing with the trees,
The oak leaves dance along with the breeze.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

I Never Did Like You Anyhow Stomp

by Barry Louis Polisar

I never did like you anyhow;
You think like a fish and you sing like a cow,
You smell like a moose, and you talk like a goat,
You walk like a frog’s stuffed deep inside your coat.

You drool when you talk and you burp when you eat,
Got pimples on your face and blisters on your feet.
You waddle like a duck and you snort when you giggle,
You run down the street and your middle does a wiggle.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

I Sneaked Into the Kitchen in the Middle of the Night

by Barry Louis Polisar

I sneaked into the kitchen in the middle of the night,
And I found a chocolate cake and I cut it with a knife.
Twelve pieces I did cut. Eleven of them I ate,
And one by one, there was almost none left upon the plate.

But before I finished eating, I saved a little slice
To give to my baby brother, ’cause I am very nice.
I crawled back upstairs and got my brother out of bed,
And quietly I whispered and this is what I said,

As we walked real quiet down the bedroom stairs,
With Tommy sucking his thumb and hugging his teddy bear.
I said “Quick, quick Tommy, look what I found!
Shhhhh! Be quiet and quickly gulp it down.”

Just then we heard a thump and a clumpity clump clump clump.
We knew it was our mommy and in the darkness we all bumped.
Then the lights came on and I heard her say,
“Blah blah blah blah,” in her special “blah blah” way.

“Who finished up the cake? Who’s the rotten kid?”
And since Tommy had the last piece, I said, “He did!”
She looked at him and saw that his face was full of crumbs,
With chocolate flavored icing on his nose and on his thumbs.

I went back upstairs as my mother yelled some more,
“Blah blah blah blah” just like before.
But I knew it wasn’t right; Tom was just a kid;
So I told her that the cake was eaten by my Uncle Sid.

Mommy looked surprised. Then her face turned red,
And I bet you know exactly what she said.
She said, “Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
Blah blah blah blah blah!”

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

I Still Don't Like Asparagus

I Still Don’t Like Asparagus

by Barry Louis Polisar

As I get older I’m beginning to see
Changes that are happening to me;
I’m liking things I never used to like
Like yogurt, squash and riding my bike.
I like to sit with girls; I like to ride the bus,
But I still don’t like asparagus.
I still don’t like asparagus.

I like prunes and broccoli,
Mushrooms and celery;
Finally, I’ve learned to love rain,
Bok Choy, quiche, and chicken chow mein.
I think the theater is fabulous,
But I still don’t like asparagus.
I still don’t like asparagus.

I like to go to bed instead of staying up at night,
I used to be closed minded now I’m neither left or right.
I like to eat arugula, eggplant, and artichokes.
I like oatmeal, okra, and egg yolks.
I like my little sister and I know I must
Learn to like…..asparagus.
I’ll never ever like asparagus.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

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It All Comes Back To Me

by Barry Louis Polisar

The back yards connected to the side yard,
The side yards connected to the front yard,
The front yards connected to the next yard,
And it all comes back to me.

Our sink is connected to the drain pipe,
The drain pipe’s connected to the waste pipe,
The waste pipes connected to the sewer pipe,
And it all comes back to me.

My creek is connected to your creek,
Your creek is connected to my stream,
My stream is connected to your bay,
And it all comes back to me.

My life is connected to your life,
Your life is connected to my life,
Our lives are connected to their lives,
And it all comes back to me.

My words are connected to your words,
Your words are connected to my words,
Our words are connected to their words,
And it all comes back to me.

Listen to Barry sing this song:

It's My Mother and My Father and My Sister and the Dog and My Two Little Brothers and Me

It’s My Mother and My Father and My Sister and the Dog and My Two Little Brothers and Me

by Barry Louis Polisar

It’s my mother and my father
And my sister and the dog,
My two little brothers and me.
We’re going on a trip
And we’re riding in the car,
We’ve been driving all day it seems.

Were gonna see Grandma and Grandpa and my aunt
And two cousins I don’t like.
I wish I was home, playing with my friends,
Going swimming or riding my bike.
I’m in the back seat, wouldn’t you know,
My sister’s yelling in my ear,
The radio’s on, but its Daddy’s turn
And he’s plays what I don’t want to hear.

Everybody’s screaming and poking at me.
Timmy’s got Tommy by the neck.
The dogs is barking and he throws up, too;
Mom says we’re gonna wreck.
My brother is yelling and pulling at me.
He tries to climb over the seat,
My father swerves and slams on his brakes.
I want something to eat.

Timmy and Tommy are rollin’ in the back,
The dog jumps in Daddy’s lap.
My mom is screaming; she’s really mad.
Dad gonna have a heart attack.
My sister’s crying, My mom is yelling,
My daddy stops the car.
They say they’ll make us get out and walk,
Who do they think they are?

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

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I Used To Have a Sister

by Barry Louis Polisar

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

I've Got a Dog and My Dog's Name is Cat

I’ve Got a Dog and My Dog’s Name is Cat

by Barry Louis Polisar

I’ve got a dog and my dog’s name is Cat,
Bet you never heard a thing as crazy as that.
But not only that, I’ve got a cat
And my cat’s name is Dog, like my dog’s name is Cat.

I bet you think that’s pretty absurd–
but wait ’til you hear about my fish, Bird.
And listen to me and you’ll hear this:
I’ve got a bird and I call him Fish.

With my bird and my fish, my dog and my cat,
People all stare when I tip my hat;
It’s strange as can be when we walk in the park,
But it’s stranger still when the cat starts to bark.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

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I've Got a Little Sister (see One Big Happy Family)

One Big Happy Family

by Barry Louis Polisar

Well, I pushed my baby brother off the backyard swing,
Then I tried to knock him down when we were arguing.
No one ever gets mad at me,
We are one big happy family;
One big happy family.
My Daddy laughs, he makes no demands,
Grandma says I’m cute, Mommy understands;
My Uncle says “boys will be boys,
A little bit of trouble and whole lotta noise”

Oh, I’ve got a Little sister who will cry and wail,
When I knock her off her bike and pull her pony tail.
We go outside, I tie her to the tree.
We are one big happy family;
One big happy family.
Oh my Daddy laughs, he makes no demands,
Grandma says I’m cute, Mommy understands.
My Uncle says “boys will be boys,
A little bit of trouble and whole lotta noise”

They let me stomp and yell and shout.
They think I’m cute, when I scream and pout.
They love me so, now don’t you see,
We are one big happy family;
One big happy family.
My Daddy laughs, he makes no demands,
Grandma says I’m cute, Mommy understands.
My Uncle says “boys will be boys,
A little bit of trouble and whole lotta noise”

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

I've Got a Teacher, She's So Mean

I’ve Got a Teacher, She’s So Mean

by Barry Louis Polisar

I’ve got a teacher, she’s so mean,
She never laughs, she always screams,
She says, “Pay attention and do what I said,”
But if you ask me, she’s crazy in the head.
She makes me nervous, she makes me squirm,
She says, “All teachers must be firm.”

She always calls on me when I don’t raise my hand,
So I answer her in ways that she can’t understand.
She says, “What is the answer to number two?”
I say, “Ock nock ditty wok, dickie pickie poo.”
She says, “Don’t be funny, you’d better get it right.”
I say, “Shimmie, Gimmie Galla Gillie, tacky ticky tite.”

She never lets us laugh, she never lets us smile,
“Wipe that grin off your face, you’re acting just like a child.”
It’s, “work, work, work–no late papers today.”
She’s tired of excuses and yells at us all day.
She doesn’t like children, she doesn’t like kids,
Likes only regulations and you know I never did.

I never see her laughing, she’s so strict,
She never believes me when I say I’m feeling sick.
She doesn’t think it’s funny when I fall off my chair,
And everybody knows that she’s really unfair.
She can’t understand me and I’ve got it made;
But I know she really loves me ’cause I’m still in first grade.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

I Wanna Be a Dog

I Wanna Be A Dog

by Barry Louis Polisar

I wanna be a dog, wanna wag my tail,
Chase cars and knock over garbage cans,
Bite the man who brings the mail.

I wanna be a dog, wanna lie on the floor,
Chase squirrels and cats, get fed, get fat,
Chew your shoe and bark at the door.

I wanna be a dog, wanna dig big holes,
Sniff trees and ground and basset hounds
And pee on telephone poles.

I wanna be a dog, wanna drool all around,
Scratch fleas and ticks and run after sticks,
I just wanna be a hound.

I wanna be a dog, wanna roll in the dirt,
Wanna run in the street, get mud on my feet
And jump up onto your shirt.

I wanna have dog breath, wake the neighbors too.
I’ll lick your hand, be the best friend to man;
I’ve got nothing better to do.

I wanna be a dog, I want my nose to be wet.
I’ve got a college degree now all I wanna be
Is somebody else’s pet.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

I Wanna Be Your Baby

by Barry Louis Polisar

I wanna be your baby, sing me a lullaby,
Stroke my forehead lovingly and hold me when I cry.
I wanna be your baby, take good care of me;
Hold me closely in your arms and treat me tenderly.

I wanna be your baby, tuck me into bed,
Take care of all my problems, make sure that I get fed.
I wanna be your baby, it’s really been a day,
Soothe me with your gentleness and wipe my tears away.

I wanna be your baby, promise you’ll be there
To coo-coo-coo-achoo me and hold me everywhere.
I need someone who’ll listed and kiss each cut and bruise,
Someone who will pick me up and wash away my blues,

I wanna be your baby, just hold me to you chest
Tickle me and hug me and help me get undressed.
I wanna be a your baby, soothe me with your charms,
Lay me gently down to sleep and rock me in your arms.

I wanna be your baby, sing me a lullaby,
Stroke my forehead lovingly and hold me when I cry.
I wanna be your baby, take good care of me,
Hold me closely in your arms and treat me tenderly.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Later

Leroy is a Late Bloomer

by Barry Louis Polisar

Leroy is a late bloomer, he’s not like the other boys.
He doesn’t like to go outside and he doesn’t play with toys.
He doesn’t like girls, he doesn’t like sports, he doesn’t even like TV
He likes to lay around all day and he doesn’t even like me.

“Leroy is a late bloomer.” That’s what his mother will say.
“There’s nothing wrong with Leroy. He’ll find himself someday.”
Leroy doesn’t go out at all; he sits in his room alone.
His thoughts are kept well hidden. His secrets are unknown.

Leroy is a late bloomer. Some kids are that way.
His father doesn’t seem to mind. “Don’t push him,” he will say.
“Leroy’s going through a stage. You just have to give him time.”
But how much time does one boy need. He’s already thirty-nine.

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Louder

Listen here:

Lucky To Be Alive

by Barry Louis Polisar

You can fall out of your window,
You can fall out of a tree,
Scrape your elbow, stub your toe
Or trip and skin your knee.
You might slip in your bath tub,
You might step on your rake,
Catch your finger in a door
Or get bitten by a snake.

So many ways to hurt yourself,
So many ways to fall;
Off a bike or off a sled
Or running down the hall.
You might trip on your shoelace,
You might fall from your bed,
You might walk right into a door
And bang your little head.

Watch out for boiling water,
Watch out for for the frozen lake,
Watch out for floods and famine,
And don’t choke on your steak.
There are hurricanes and lightning
And bad stuff in the air;
You can get stung by a bumble bee
Or eaten by a bear.

There’s danger everywhere you turn,
You must learn to survive;
You always have to take a chance and
Feel lucky to be alive,
Lucky to be alive.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Lullaby for a Crying Baby

by Barry Louis Polisar

Go to sleep my little baby,
Grab your blanket and your bear,
Stop your crying, stop your sobbing,
When you wake up, I’ll be there.

You’ve been screaming for an hour.
When will you run out of steam?
Your tears are running down your pillow,
Flowing towards me like a stream.

The books say you should soon be sleepy,
I’ve done the things they said to do;
I’ve rocked you in the rocking chair
I’ve stroked your cheek and cuddled you.

I’ve changed your diaper, burped you twice,
You drank your bottle, then had more.
I’ve sung you lullabyes and held you
‘Til my arms and throat were sore.

You keep crying, you keep screaming;
The next door neighbor wants to know
If I am sawing you in quarters
In the basement down below.

Go to sleep my little baby,
Grab your blanket and your bear
Stop your crying, stop your sobbing,
When you wake up, I’ll be there.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Man and the Chicken

Listen here:

Marching Shoulder to Shoulder

by Barry Louis Polisar

We’re marching shoulder to shoulder
To demand equal rights for kids.
We’re not just “cute”, we’re important.
We’re throwing off our chains and our bibs.

Children of the world, its time to unite;
It’s time to organize and stand up for what is right.
We’ve got nothing to lose but our diapers and our pins
And if we all stick together, I know that we can win.

We’re marching shoulder to shoulder.
Being under three feet tall is now in style.
We’re the front for kid’s liberation;
Spare the rod and spoil the child.

Down with “Children will speak only when they’re spoken to”,
We ain’t just kids, we’re human beings too you know.
We wanna be heard and we know that we’ll be seen.
We won’t trust anybody who is over thirteen.

We’re marching shoulder to shoulder,
Were gonna speak up when we have something to say.
Suppose they gave a birthday party…
And nobody came?

Were marching shoulder to shoulder;
Down with playpens and nursery schools;
Climb out of your high chairs, this fight is for you;
We want bread and roses…and chocolate cake, too.
We’re tired of being pampered, we’re tired of being coddled,
We’re making molotov cocktails from our baby bottles.

Were marching shoulder to shoulder,
The times are gonna change one day.
They can send us to their rooms and they can yell and they can spank us,
They can make us go to bed, but one day they’re gonna thank us.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Marvin Doesn't Like the New Baby

Marvin Doesn’t Like the New Baby

by Barry Louis Polisar

Marvin doesn’t like the new baby, the baby doesn’t like him
Nobody has time for Marvin now, nobody coo-coo-coo-ka-choos his chin
The baby pulls his tail and wails and cries
Nobody sings Marvin lullabies

Marvin doesn’t like the new baby, the baby just howls and howls
Marvin sits on the sofa and lets out a little growl
First it was the dog and that was something he stood
But it wasn’t his idea to try parenthood

Marvin doesn’t like the new baby, I don’t think he ever will
Baby gets all the attention now, Marvin sits on the windowsill
There’s really nothing to her ‘cept spit and drool
And Marvin can’t wait til she grows up and goes to school

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Me and You

Me and You
(apologies to Martin Buber)

by Barry Louis Polisar

Me and you singing on the train,
Me and you listening to the rain,
Me and you we are the same
Me and you have all the fame
We need; indeed,
You and me are we.

Me and you singing in the park
Me and you light candles in the dark
Me and you we are the spark
We’ll watch that light just make an arc
To say someday
There will be a better way.

Me and you were waiting for the dawn
Me and you and all the places we’ve gone
Me and you, sitting on the lawn
Me and you just singing a song;
A rhyme to shine
And to pass the time.

Me and you singing to all
Me and you were not so small
Me and you can stand up tall
Me and you just having a ball
Happy to be
You…..and Me.

Listen to Barry sing the 1975 version of this song:

Listen to Barry sing the 2005 version of this song:

Mom and Dad Are Always Right

by Barry Louis Polisar

Mom and Dad are always right and I am always wrong.
They tell me that I eat too much and that I take too long.
My grades at school aren’t good enough, I don’t do what I should.
They tell me that I’m pretty dumb, I guess I’m not so good.
They yell at me and tell me that I disobey their rules;
I sleep too much, I miss the bus, I’m always late for school.
When we go out to dinner, I always spill my drink,
I drop my spoon and spill my soup; was born this was they think.

Dad says he was stronger when he was half my age.
Mom never got dirty when she went out to play.
I guess they both were perfect kids when they were young like me;
They always did what they were told and that’s how I should be.
I guess I’m just a naughty boy–that’s what they always say,
Then they wonder why it is that I turned out this way.
But you can’t be perfect all the time–you can’t always be good.
Everybody makes mistakes and everybody should.

Mom and Dad aren’t always right and I’m not always wrong.
I don’t think that I eat too much or that I take too long.
And one thing that I know for sure that they don’t understand;
I’m smarter than my Mommy and Daddy think I am.
Mom says that I’m clumsy and I’m just a little brat;
Somehow I accidentally spill my milk into her lap.
Dad says I’m no help at all–I just get in his way;
So when I should be helping him, I go outside and play.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Mommy, Mommy, I Gotta Get a Record (see Everywhere You Go)

Everywhere You Go

by Barry Louis Polisar

Mom Said, "No", I said, "Why?"

Mom Said, “No,” I said, “Why?”

by Barry Louis Polisar

Mom said, “no,” I said, “why?”
She told me not to cry;
Tears came down, I said, “please.”
She told me to get off my knees.

I said, “I had to,” She said, “Oh?”
I said, “I need to,” She said, “So.”
I said, “Try to sympathize.”
She said, “No,” to no surprise.

I said, “later?” She said, “No.”
I said I’d run away, she said, “Go.”
I said, “maybe?”, then I asked again.
She was silent, so I said, “When?”

She said I was just a pest,
So I called Daddy and he said, “Yes.”

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

My Brother Thinks He's a Banana

My Brother Thinks He’s a Banana

by Barry Louis Polisar

My brother thinks he’s a banana
But my mother won’t ever admit it.
He sleeps curled up in the fruit bowl
Though Grandma tries to forbid it.
She says it isn’t normal for him to act that way
And although his complexion has yellowed,
He seems to be okay.

He won’t go out when the sun is up;
“It’s a phobia,” the doctor feels.
And like all good bananas,
He’s afraid of getting peeled.
He really is a scholar.
He’s read all the books by Bellow.
But still he likes to clown around
And cut up in the Jello.

Climbing in with one foot first,
He’ll stay all day in there.
Then mommy has to hose him down
and shampoo all his hair.
I don’t really understand him,
And I don’t want to seem mean
‘Cause I love my little brother,
Especially with sour cream.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

My Brother Threw Up on My Stuffed Toy Bunny

by Barry Louis Polisar

My brother threw up on my stuffed toy bunny,
You better not laugh ’cause it really isn’t funny.
It was lying in my bed while I was sound asleep
but it could have been worse–it could have been me.

My bunny’s name was Bill and he was pink and white,
His eyes were purple and they glowed at night.
His ears were ragged and his nose was red,
He was soft as my pillow from his paws to his head.

My Dad tried to help when I started to scream.
He threw my bunny in the washing machine.
But my bunny, Bill, still smelled so bad;
I lost the best friend that I ever had.

So bunny now sits on my shelf at home,
Next to my smelly toy telephone
And the dirty old bear with the stains and the spots,
‘Cause my little brother throws up a lot.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

My Dentist is An Awfully Nice Man

by Barry Louis Polisar

My Dentist is an awfully nice Man,
He fills my teeth with candy;
But one day it’s gonna hit the fan
And things won’t be so dandy.

He never drills against my will,
He never gives me a shot;
He washes my mouth out with chocolate milk
And he always laughs a lot…
He always laughs a lot.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

My Friend Jake

by Barry Louis Polisar

I had a friend named Jake, he was a happy kid,
Everyone thought he was crazy though for doing what he did,
‘Cause Jake he liked to travel, he loved to walk around,
But Jake didn’t like convention, so he walked upside-down.
He got around okay I guess, though he walked kind of slow,
When he’d see me coming, he’d just wave his toe.
At school it was a problem; he never would stay put,
When other kids raised their hands, Jake would raise his foot.
Now Jake he had an uncle who had a Ph. D.
He said, “this boy is crazy–as crazy as can be.”
But you know that Jake was happy and as crazy as this sounds,
He’d always say the normal way was upside-down.

Jake was always friendly and he didn’t like to see folks frown;
He’d say, “An angry face is a smile when you’re standing upside-down.”
They took him to a doctor, they gave him lots of tests.
They asked him lots of questions and would not let him rest.
He finally agreed to change and got up from his seat.
Then he quickly flipped right up and landed on his feet.
His mother clapped, his father smiled, the doctor jumped for joy,
And Grandma started crying saying, “That’s my boy.”
Jake indeed had come around–he finally had been cured.
“The best success that I’ve had yet,” the Doctor assured.

But then something happened when he saw things right-side up.
And in about two hours, Jake had had enough;
Everywhere people frowned and growled; it was hard to find a friend.
So Jake he did a turnabout and was upside down again.
He likes things much better this way, though its hard to get around,
But an angry face is still a smile when you’re standing upside-down.
Now Jake might be different and it might be a mistake,
But I’d have to say the only one I know who’s right-side up is Jake.
And now that he is happy again, as crazy as it sounds,
I’d have to say that the normal way is upside-down.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

My Mommy Drives a Dump Truck

My Mother Ran Away Today

by Barry Louis Polisar

My mother ran away today,
She walked right out the door,
Packed her tooth brush and pajamas;
Said, “I can’t take it any more.”

She said that she was tired,
She said she had her fill
Of cooking our meals, washing our clothes
And cleaning up all our spills.

She said she’d write us letters
With no return address,
She said she’d come back someday
But now she has to rest.

She took the plants, she took the cats,
Took our pictures from the wall,
And though it’s just been two hours,
I wish that she would call.

I never thought I’d miss her,
Isn’t that the way?
You never know how much Mom means to you,
Until she runs away.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

My Name is Hiram Lipshlitz

by Barry Louis Polisar

My name is Hiram Lipshlitz
And my problem’s pretty clear.

Listen to Barry read song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Never Cook Your Sister in a Frying Pan

by Barry Louis Polisar

Never cook your sister in a frying pan
Or boil her in water and take her by the hand
And throw her off a cliff or try to make her fall
‘Cause these things aren’t very nice at all.

You might not like her but don’t knock her off her bike;
Fighting is normal, but normal ain’t right.
Don’t put her in a bucket and drop her down a well
Or put her in the oven and try to sell
Her to the nice old man who lives down the street;
Don’t hit her with your hand or kick her with your feet.

Don’t tie her to a tree and leave her in the woods
For the bears and the snakes and you never should
Lock her in the closet or throw her in the snow,
Or flush her down the toilet or steal her clothes.
If you do these things then what you do,
Is not becomming to a boy like you.

You better be careful when she’s nice and small,
Don’t beat her with a bat or hit her with a ball.
Don’t put her in a barrel and roll her down the road,
‘Cause it all goes against the gentleman’s code.
Besides, she might grow up and be bigger, too,
And turn around and do it all to you.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Not So Good At Baseball

by Barry Louis Polisar

Whenever we play baseball, I always try to hide;
I’m always last to get picked, when its time to choose up sides.

‘Cause’s he’s not so good at baseball, Can’t hit or pitch or throw,
He can’t run fast so we pick him last; It’s something we all know.

One day I’m in the outfield; I’m out there all alone;
The ball was coming at me; I heard my team-mates moan.

I held my mitt up to the sky and rose to meet the test;
The score was tied; I knew that I would try to do my best.

The game was mine to win or lose, I heard my team mates call;
They cheered me as I made the catch…..and then I dropped the ball.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Nothing

by Barry Louis Polisar

What did you do in school today?
“Nothing ! Nothing !”
Did you say nothing? What did you say?
“Nothing ! Nothing !”
Didn’t you study and work real hard?
“We just sat outside in the yard”
Nothing? “Nothing ! Nothing !”

What Do you do when you don’t go to school?
“Nothing ! Nothing !”
But everyone’s got something they do.
“Nothing ! Nothing !”
Don’t you have fun? Don’t you ride your bikes?
“We just sit around. There’s nothing we like.”
Nothing? “Nothing ! Nothing !”

What do you do when you see your friends?
“Nothing ! Nothing !”
But you go to their house again and again?
“Nothing ! Nothing !”
Don’t you play games with other girls and boys?
“We have no friends and we hate our toys!”
Nothing? “Nothing ! Nothing !”

What did you do all last summer?
“Nothing ! Nothing !”
Everytime you speak you sound dumber and dumber.
“Nothing ! Nothing !”
Didn’t you swim and play on the swings?
“Summer was a bummer and we didn’t do a thing.”
Nothing? “Nothing ! Nothing !”

What will you do for the rest of your life?
“Nothing ! Nothing !”
But you have to find something that you like.
“Nothing ! Nothing !”
You can’t sit around. It’ll drive you insane.
“You can if you don’t have a brain.”
Nothing? “Nothing ! Nothing !”

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Oh No, I Like My Sister!

by Barry Louis Polisar

Oh No, I like my sister.
Oh No! guess you can say I’ve missed her.
Oh My what am I to do?
I never thought I liked her, what about you?

We were always arguing, she was such a pest,
Always interfering with my happiness.
But now she’s gone to Canberra, what am I to do?
I hope she don’t get eaten by a kangaroo.

We would always bicker, we would always fight.
She always called me wrong when I knew that I was right.
She’d steal my cookies, she’d grab my cake;
I’d say the day that she was born, Mom made a mistake.

I hope that she comes home soon, safe and soon.
I promise I won’t ever hold her upside down.
Now that she is gone, there’s no one I can tease?
I hope she don’t come back with some weird disease.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

One Big Happy Family

by Barry Louis Polisar

Listen to Barry read this poem:

One Day My Best Friend Barbara Turned Into a Frog

by Barry Louis Polisar

One day my best friend Barbara turned into a frog,
A hopping’ and a jumpin’ on every rock and log;
Now she stays at home all day and all she wants to do
Is go swimming in the river and in her bathtub, too.
And it’s ribitt in the morning, ribitt every night,
Ribitt when it’s dark outside, ribitt when it’s light.

Her clothes don’t fit her anymore, though she was always short.
No babysitter will sit for her; they’re afraid of getting warts.
She doesn’t eat her breakfast, she says she’d rather die;
Instead she goes out to catch gnats and bees and flies.
And it’s ribitt in the morning, ribitt every night,
Ribitt when it’s dark outside, ribitt when it’s light.

She’s got a voice that’s kind of scratchy. She’s got lots of funny bumps.
But you should see her play basketball; you should see the way she jumps.
Now she sits in school and while the other kids make jokes,
My best friend Barbara sits on the desk and croaks…
And it’s ribitt in the morning, ribitt every night,
Ribitt when it’s dark outside, ribitt when it’s light.

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Our Dog Bernard

by Barry Louis Polisar

Our dog Bernard lived in the back yard
‘Til one warm summer day.
Our dog Bernard hit the boulevard;
He just up and ran away.

He left a note taped to the door
“I’m tired of this life,” it said.
“I’m tired of eating dog food
And getting chased off of the bed.”

He ran off with the bus driver,
He’s living with her now I’m told.
Spends all his time watching TV,
Getting fat, and growing old.

Oh Bernard, Bernard, please come back,
You know that I love you.
I’ll let you ride in the four-wheel-drive.
I’ll make it all up to you.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Poetry Lesson

Listen here:

Poor Orville Thlapp

by Barry Louis Polisar

Now Orville Thlapp was a modest chap,
With a distintictve style.
His vocabulary was always backwards,
A quite trait unworthwile.

The part worst of this story
And the thing that’s so outrageous,
Is doctors have agreed his that
Condition is contagious.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

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Potty Training

by Barry Louis Polisar

Once a jolly mom and dad camped beside their baby son,
Under the lights that burned bright in the loo.
And they sang as they watched and waited tip the boy was done,
Sang, “We’ll go a-potty training with you.”

Potty training, Potty training,
We’ll go potty training with you.
And we’ll sit and we’ll wait
and we’ll hold your hand ’til you are through;
We’ll go a-potty training with you.

Well up jumped the little boy and ran into the living room,
In came his parents, for they knew
They must sit; they must wait; they must watch him make his little doo;
We’ll go a-potty training with you.

Potty training, potty training,
We’ll go potty training with you.
And we’ll sit and we’ll wait
and we’ll hold your hand tip you are throug;h
We’ll go a-potty training with you.

You can lead a lad to water, but you cannot make him sit;
“You’ll never make me,” he said as he withdrew.
And his ghost may be heard as you pass beside the bathroom now;
Who’ll go a-potty training with you.

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Reptile World

by Barry Louis Polisar

Thanks for the invitation
To come to your house at nine.
I’d love to visit you today but
I feel I must decline.

I know that you have lots of pets,
Not one of them is a cat;
No dogs, no hamsters or any
Fuzzy, furry thing like that.

I know that you love reptiles like
Lizards, newts and skinks.
I fear my fear forbids me
To come in for a drink.

I know that when you greet me,
You will invite me in;
And once I am inside
And ask you how you’ve been,

I’ll see that on your sofa
Sits a hungy crocodile;
You’ll clear a spot for me
And ask if I will stay awhile.

Freezing in my tracks and
Careful not to make a sound,
I’ll hear a rattle at my back
And slowly turn around.

Copperheads and cottonmouths
Will slither ’round your feet.
With a lizard on your shoulder
You’ll say, “Have something to eat. “

I’ll feel something against my leg;
It’s just your alligator.
I’ll jump, I’ll be a bit on edge;
I won’t wanna irritate her.

You’ll show me your pet python
And tell me how you picked her,
While wrapped around my leg
Is your boa constrictor.

You’ll show me asps and muggers,
Lizards newts and skinks;
I’ll hear my heartbeat beat so fast
As you pour me that drink.

But sitting in your kitchen sink
Will be your pet iguana,
So I thank you for inviting me–
But I don’t think I wanna.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Sally Eats Shoelaces, Straw and String

by Barry Louis Polisar

Sally eats shoelaces, straw and string,
But she won’t eat cole slaw or anything
Her mother says is good for her, she says she’s had enough.
Her father says, “to eat”; she says she stuffed.

Sally eats cardboard, sticks and rocks,
but she won’t eat cream cheese or bagel and lox.
They fed her shredded wheat; her lips shut tight.
She’s as weird as her appetite.

She’ll suck her thumb, she’ll chew on her hair,
But no chicken cordon beau, no chocolate eclair.
She doesn’t care for pears, macaroni and cheese,
Oh, she won’t try pie, potatoes, or peas.

I’m telling you children, don’t be like that;
It’s no way to weigh less, better to be fat.
She eats like a bird–no more like a goat,
And nothing good goes down her throat.

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Shut Up in the Library

by Barry Louis Polisar

Shut up in the library, she don’t care what you have to say;
No noise, no clatter, no chatter, no laughter, we’re not in here to play.

She wants your nose inside a book and she wants to see your pass
And you better have a good reason why you are not in class.

You against the window, wipe that grin off of your face;
What do you think you are doing chewing bubble gum in this place?

Don’t lean the chair against the wall, put those legs down on the floor,
You over there, she sees you trying to sneak out the door.

If you must go to the bathroom, one by one you’ll take your turn.
The next one who talks has had it, you know you’re here to learn.

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Siamese Twins

by Barry Louis Polisar

Siamese twins, they’re okay
Speak in stereo, have more to say;
Just like me, the same as you
But would you want your sister to marry two?

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Skatter-Brack Flath Who Lives in my Bath

The Skatter Brak Flath Who Lives in My Bath

by Barry Louis Polisar

I think I’m pretty lucky, I’m sure you’ll agree,
‘Cause in my house there’s a bath tub you see
And in that tub lives a Skatter-Brack Flath
Who won’t let me take a shower or a bath.
I grab my robe, my soap and towel;
I hear a shriek and a deep, deep howl.
When Dad tells me, “get in the bath,”
I tell him all about the Skatter-Brack Flath.

He’s as real as the Gutchum Gee-Gillie Gah-Ged
Or the Bottom-Bo, Bitty-Bree, Slock-Slo Sled
Or the Slotum-Slaw Silklie-See Sap-Sucking Sool
Who want me at home when I should be in school.
Or the Google Nosed Liddy Lap Licking La-Lude
Who never lets me finish all of my food.
Or the Gobbin Go Gittie-Gatch Gitchie-Gap Goo….
And you better watch out–so they don’t get you!

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Stanley Stole My Shoelace and Rubbed it in His Armpit

Stanley Stole My Shoelace
and Rubbed it in His Armpit

by Barry Louis Polisar

Stanley stole my shoelace and rubbed it in his armpit
And that’s not all you know what else he did?
He took my mashed potatoes and he lumped ’em on his spoon;
Then he threw ’em cross the room. He’s not a nice kid.

He never does his homework; I’ve never seen him read.
He always takes my book bag and says its his.
I know he is lying when he says he’s smarter
Than my grandfather ’cause nobody is.

He tried to grab my pencil and break it in two,
So I filled his lunch box up with salt;
And that’s the reason I was sent to the office…
As you can see it wasn’t my fault.

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Symphony in Why # Major

Listen here:

That's What Makes the World Go 'Round

That’s What Makes the World Go ‘Round

by Barry Louis Polisar

Some have a little, some have a lot,
Some are happy, some are not,
Some talk funny, some don’t speak,
Everybody is unique.
Some folks jog, some smoke pipes,
Some are mono-toned, some are stereotypes;
Right side up or upside down,
That’s what makes the world go ’round.

Sally is silly, Sam sucks his thumb,
But that’s okay ’cause they give me gum.
I am right and you’re so wrong,
My memory is short, school’s way too long.
If we were the same each and everyone,
I’d be like you and we’d both be dumb.
I found the truth, it’s not profound;
That’s what makes the world go ’round.

Roger is rich and Richard is poor,
But that don’t mean I like Rich more.
Some have money, some have style;
Some have both, it only lasts a while.
You are slow and I am quick,
Except when it comes to arithmetic.
It shouldn’t sound shocking nor astound,
That’s what makes the world go ’round.

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There's No Substitute For a Cat

There’s No Substitute For a Cat (Redux)

by Barry Louis Polisar

There’s no Substitute for a cat,
Round and soft and often fat,
Sittin’ in the window in the sun;
A dog won’t ever be this much fun.

A cat will sleep at the foot of your bed
Or curl up in a ball right by your head.
She’ll lick her paws and start to doze,
She’ll sleep in a basket filled with clothes.

A cat will sleep curled up on the rug
Or in a cardboard box, really snug.
She’ll sleep on the sofa–or by the door,
Or stretched right out on the living room floor.

A cat will sleep in your favorite chair;
Leave your coat on the floor and she’ll sleep there.
She just needs a spot to take a nap;
And you’ll sit real still when she’s on your lap.

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These Are Not My Children

by Barry Louis Polisar

They think it is so funny when they flatten my new hat.
They think they are so clever when they try to dress the cat.
They hide my car keys and my shoes. They kick and scream and fuss.
And when do their homework, they leave it on the bus.

But these are not my children;
My kids are polite
I think someone switched them
In the middle of the night

My kids never leave their clothes in piles on the floor
And when they use the bathroom, they always close the door.
My kids are so well behaved; they never ever fight
They’re patient and obedient and are extremely bright

My kids listen when I speak, they follow every rule
My kids do not yell at me, they’re never late for school
My kids don’t drop cookie crumbs when they eat a snack
My kids wear clean underwear; my kids don’t talk back

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They Said, "Eat the Broccoli"

They Said, “Eat the Broccoli”

by Barry Louis Polisar

They said, “Eat the broccoli,” I ate the broccoli,
They said, “Eat the spinach,” I ate the spinach,
They said, “Eat the meat loaf, mashed potatoes, peanut butter,
String beans, brown rice, cucumbers and all the other
Things like zucchini squash, pineapple and eggplant,
Bread and butter, macaroni, corned beef, ham, also Bologna,
Lemonade and grape juice, Quiche Lorraine and cous-cous,
Chicken fried and baked and broiled, mushroom stems stir fried in oil…
And don’t forget when you are through, we’ll have some dessert for you.
There’s apple pie and brownies, peaches, plums and nectarines,
Cookies, cake and candied sweets and yogurt mixed with cottage cheese,
Lemon custard, apple strudel, luchen kugle (it’s cooked with noodles),
Drippy, runny ice cream cones ’cause kids can’t live by bread alone.”

I ate so much my tummy hurt, I popped the buttons off my shirt.
I bulged so big, I split my side, But still my plate was piled high.
I said, “I think I’ve had enough,” they made me eat more–I was stuffed.
I cleaned the plate, now everywhere, people poke and point and stare.
Whenever I go down the street, people stop to look at me.
I ate and ate and ate and ate and now they say I’m overweight.
Can’t fit through doorways or in chairs, I tell you it just isn’t fair.
I break the sofa when I sit, can’t go to school ’cause I can’t fit.
I fall asleep, I break the bed, but I’ve always done what my parents said.

When they said, “Eat the broccoli,” I ate the broccoli,
When they said, “Eat the spinach,”I ate the spinach…

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Thump Thump Thump

by Barry Louis Polisar

I was all alone, thump, thump, thump
Sitting at home, thump, thump, thump
It was coming up the stairs, thump, thump, thump
I was really scared, thump, thump, thump
What could it be, thump, thump, thump
Coming after me? thump, thump, thump

It stopped in the kitchen, thump, thump, thump
I was shaking, I was twitching, thump, thump, thump
Walking down the hall, thump, thump, thump
Who could I call? thump, thump, thump
Then the lights went out, thump, thump, thump
I began to shout, thump, thump, thump

It was getting close, thump, thump, thump
I thought it was a ghost, thump, thump, thump
I dove under the covers, thump, thump, thump
I screamed for my mother, thump, thump, thump
No one answered back, thump, thump, thump
I was gonna be attacked, thump, thump, thump

I was screaming and a-hollerin’, thump, thump, thump
And something was a-followin’ thump, thump, thump
Me around the room, thump, thump, thump
I knew that I was doomed, thump, thump, thump
I closed my eyes, thump, thump, thump
I said, “I don’t wanna die”, thump, thump, thump

What could it be, thump, thump, thump
Coming after me?, thump, thump, thump
I tried again to shout, thump, thump, thump
I never found out, thump, thump, thump

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Tomorrow

by Barry Louis Polisar

My Daddy said, “Wash your face,
Wash your face, Wash your face.”
My Daddy said, ” Wash your face and out your toys away.”

And I said, “Tomorrow,
Tomorrow, tomorrow,”
I said, ” Tomorrow, I’ll do it then.”

Then my Mommy said, “Clean your room,
Clean your room, clean your room.”
My Mommy said, ” Clean your room and make your bed

My Unle said, “Eat Your Food,
Eat Your Food, eat your food.”
My Uncle said, ” Eat your food and brush your teeth.”

My Grandpa said, “Take a bath,
Take a bath, take a bath.”
My Grandpa said, “Take a bath and change your socks.”

Then my Grandma said, “Chocolate cake,
Chocolate cake, chocolate cake”
My Grandma said, “Chocolate cake and ice cream, too.”

But they all said, “Tomorrow,
Tomorrow, tomorrow,”
” They all said tomorrow,
You’ll get it then!”

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Town of Round

by Barry Louis Polisar

Back in the days when the world was flat,
Before Columbus and all of that.
In the town of round, there lived a square;
The only square anywhere.
He had no family, had no friends,
All the rounds around would recommend
He be like them or leave their town;
Squares don’t fit in a town for rounds.

But if you’re a square, it’s hard to move
‘Cause your corners dig in and you find that you’ve
Gotten sorta settled; it’s awfully hard
To leave the trees and the flowers in your yard.
Well they all got together and gathered around
And tried to push him out of their town;
But as they pushed and as they heaved,
A strange thing happened that you wouldn’t believe.

They rolled and tumbled and couldn’t get a hold
Kept bumping around uncontrolled.
They bounced and banged, and when they’d hit,
They chipped and dented, cracked and split;
Into triangles, into squares,
Semi-circles were everywhere.
And all of a sudden they realized
Everybody was a different size;
A different size and a different shape,
And squares all over the whole landscape.
And that’s the way it came to be;
I’m not talkin’ ’bout geometry.
Seems a little bit unfair,
Start out round, end up square.

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To Mommy (see One Big Happy Family)

One Big Happy Family

by Barry Louis Polisar

Listen to Barry read this poem:

Trouble...What Trouble?

Trouble…What Trouble?

by Barry Louis Polisar

Two heads are better than one they say,
And just when we thought we were done,
We knew a good thing when we saw one so
We had another one.
Trouble is double when you’ve got two,
But trouble has yet to find me.
Noah knew, it’s better with two…
Besides, we could have had three!
Trouble…what trouble?

One just swallowed a safety pin
That she found lying on the floor.
One dumped over the plant stand,
One caught his hand in the back porch door.
One fell into the toilet,
One fell out of the car,
One climbed into the dryer,
One threw-up on my guitar.
Trouble…what trouble?

One will grab the telephone cord
While the other one goes for the trash.
One just fell of the kitchen table,
The other’s got diaper rash.
One just tripped and fell down the stairs,
The other got bit by the dog.
One’s been crying since yesterday.
One peed on the Sears catalog.
Trouble…what trouble?

One threw his oatmeal onto the wall.
One smeared it into his hair.
One is teething on my leg.
The other’s teething on our antique chair.
One dismantled the playpen.
One’s working on the bassinet.
One ate a plate of plastic fruit
And they’re not even walking yet.
Trouble…what trouble?

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Turkeys in the Straw

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Tyrannosaurus Nix

by Barry Louis Polisar

You’ve heard about some dinosaurs who devour girls and boys;
They’ll eat the meat from head to feet and savor it with joy.
But I’m an honest dinosaur, prehistoric through and through,
And I’m here to swear to anyone, that this is just not true.

We’re blamed for things so ghastly (these things we do not do).
You simply must believe us when we say we won’t eat you!
We live on nuts and berries, we haven’t touched a hair
On any kid who’s come our way; there’s no need to beware.

Our image is respectable; we’re often seen in prayer.
We’ve trimmed our toenails, filed our teeth and even grown some hair.
I hope that you will realize we’re quite a harmless bunch,
And maybe you can join us and come over soon–for lunch.

Listen to Barry read the song lyrics:

Underwear (Underwear is Everywhere)

Underwear

by Barry Louis Polisar

Underwear is everywhere but mostly underneath.
Usually you can’t see what goes on beneath
Ragged clothes, evening gowns or the finest three-piece suit.
Underwear is everywhere; there is no substitute.

Everyone is equal when it comes to underwear,
Because beneath your underwear it’s just yourself that’s there.
Everyone wears underwear — or at least they should.
Underwear is lots of things, but mostly it is good.

Some like the feel of cotton. I share this belief.
Likewise I don’t like boxer shorts, give me a pair of briefs.
Some don’t like to talk about it, that’s because they’re shy.
People laugh at underwear, but I do not know why.

“Now don’t use bleach on underwear.” That’s what my mom will say.
“Cause bleach will eat the fabric and soon they’ll wash away.”
Underwear with lots of holes, is a sorry sight,
Look around and try to see who’s wearing theirs too tight!

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You Better Not Giggle, You Better Not Laugh, But I'm in Love with a Giraffe

You Can't Say Psbpsbpsbpsb on the Radio

Listen here:

You're As Sweet As Sugar on a Stick

You’re As Sweet As Sugar on a Stick

by Barry Louis Polisar

You’re as sweet as sugar on a stick,
Licorice on a gum drop, lickety split.
When you smile the whole world opens right up.
When I get a little bit of you, I can’t get enough.

My heart starts pounding when I kiss you on the lips.
Like water down a drain, dropping drip by drip.
Whenever I am with you, I feel at home.
Gonna run to you like ice cream down a cone.

When your hands in mine, I’m bounding ’round and ’round.
My hearts doin’ cartwheels, upside down.
I’m singing so softly in a voice so sweet.
Standin’ on my head with lightnin’ in my feet.

I’m jumping off the ground and sailin’ round the sun.
Flying back to you like the river that runs.
Laughing and clapping and sitting by your side,
Bouncing up and down on a roller coaster ride.

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Warning

The Warning

by Barry Louis Polisar

Ogden warned against the panther,
Hillaire and even Uncle Shel,
Cautioned, warned and sometimes bantered,
And to children, tried to tell
Of the many mortal dangers
In talking to unusual strangers.

And I, like them, a poet who
in that grand and fine traditon
Feels obliged to warn you, too
With these words of admonition:
If you meet a Three-Slinged-Flotchet,
If I were you, I’d watch it.

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Water

by Barry Louis Polisar

Water started long ago,
Water started long ago,
Water started long ago,
And it’s still around

Dinosaurs drank water,
So did pre-historic men,
Women and republicans,
Lyndon Johnson and Ho Chi Minh.
You’d think it’d be gone by now

I need water, so do you.
It comes with thunder and with dew,
From Brighton Beach
To Timbucktu
And in my basement now

First you see a lightning flash,
Pretty soon you hear a splash.
Water causes diaper rash.
A Yo ho ho ho ho.

Water in a sulphus spring is hot,
Water that runs from a river is not,
Too much water makes things rot;
I think I’ll drink some now.

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We Dont Have To Share

by Barry Louis Polisar

Debbie got the radio. I got the airplane.
She got the bicycle. I got the electric train.
I got the doll house. She got the cowboy hat.
I got the baseball glove. She got the baseball bat.
We don’t have to share at all, to our delight.
We always get our own stuff, so we don’t start a fight.

Debbie got the roller skates. I got the go-cart,
And even though she can’t skate and I can’t get the cart to start,
We always get out own things and they are ours to keep,
And even though I want her things too, I have my own at least.

But when Grandma went shopping, she bought us both a bear,
And since it cost so very much, she told us both to share.
So Deb and I both grabbed it and before we both knew
She was pulling and I was tugging and it tore in two.

Debbie got the leg and nose, also the bottom jaw,
I got the stuffing, one glass eye and a paw.
I also got the other leg, and Debbie got an ear,
The foot and the other eye. What will Grandma bring next year?

We don’t have to share at all, to our delight.
We always get our own stuff, so we don’t start a fight.

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Wet Again

by Barry Louis Polisar

Wet again, wet again,
Looks like I’m wet again,
Wet again, wet again,
Looks like I’m wet again.

Sitting on the sofa, on my lap,
My baby brother is taking a nap.
He wakes up, he runs straight
To the bathroom; it’s too late.

We take my sister to the store.
She has a drink, than a couple more.
We ride back home; the seat is wet;
Her pants are damp; it’s not sweat.

Driving in the car, up our street,
The dog right by me, on the seat.
All of a sudden I feel something;
The dog looks guilty; his tail is thumping.

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What Are We Gonna Do About the Baby?

by Barry Louis Polisar

Oh No, what are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do about the baby?
Oh No, what are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do about the baby?

We can put her in diapers, we can give her a bath,
Make sure that she’s secure and doesn’t bump her head,
Cuddle her and tickle her and try to make her laugh,
Powder her bottom, get her ready for bed.

We can put her in the playpen, we can put her in the crib,
Feed her and wash her and change her.
We can wiggle her middle, let her dribble on her bib,
Take her back to the store and exchange her.

We can hold her in our arms and try to make her burp,
We can bounce her and rock her and roll her.
We can kiss her and hug her and wipe away her hurts
Or push her down the hill in the stroller.

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What Do We Do With a Crying Baby?

by Barry Louis Polisar

What do we do with a crying baby?
Crying baby, crying baby,
What do we do with a crying baby
Early in the morning?

Put her in the room and close the door,
Close the door, close the door,
Don’t listen to her anymore
Early in the morning

Change her diaper, make sure she’s dry,
Make sure she’s dry, make sure’s she dry,
Run away if she starts to cry,
Early in the morning.

Give her a bottle, stick her in the swing,
In the swing, in the swing
And raise your glass to parenting
Early in the morning.

Listen to Barry sing this song:

What If A Zebra Had Spots?

by Barry Louis Polisar

What if a zebra had spots?
Do you think he would like that a lot?
And what if a tiger had dots?
What if a leopard did not?
What if we could sleep like a bat?
And dine like an overweight cat?
Instead of going to school, we’d hang around and get fat;
I know of some people like that.

What if we talked with our nose?
And what if the sun just froze?
Exactly what do you suppose,
We’d be if we didn’t wear clothes?
What if a hippo could fly?
Or flutter like a big butterfly?
Do you think any hippo would try?
If so, what would fall from the sky?

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When Suzie Sneezed

by Barry Louis Polisar

A friend of mine came by last night
Said, “Come on out and join the fight
Between Robert and Richard and Susan and Jimmy
‘Cause they just started beating up Timmy
‘Cause Timmy hit Billy who just hit Steve
When Steve hit Laura after Jack and Johnny
Hit Tommy and Richard hit Emily
Who accidentally pushed Debbie when Suzie Sneezed.”

It sounded pretty strange what he wanted me to do
‘Cause I didn’t even know Richard or Sue.
I said, “That’s crazy. That’s just nuts;
To fight someone who doesn’t know us.”
Then he started talking ’bout tanks and guns
How I should just go and join the fun.
He said, “Just go and beat up Jim
‘Cause Jim hit me after I hit him.
When Timmy hit Billy who just hit Steve
When Steve hit Laura after Jack and Johnny
Hit Tommy and Richard hit Emily
Who accidentally pushed Debbie when Suzie Sneezed.”

So I said, “What would happen if you tell Jimmy
You’re sorry you hit him and that he hit Timmy.
Maybe Timmy would go and shake Billy’s hand
Hopefully some day, they’ll understand
‘Cause what’s gonna happen if you don’t do that
Will be Johnny and Jack are gonna wanna get you back
Then you and Timmy will go beat up Bill
Who’ll turn around tomorrow and want to kill
You and him and Debbie and Steven and Jack
And then one day one of you will try to get him back
Because Timmy hit Billy who just hit Steve
When Steve hit Laura after Jack and Johnny
Hit Tommy and Richard hit Emily
Who accidentally pushed Debbie when Suzie Sneezed.”

Well he thought that over for a moment or two
Then he said, “I bet I can beat up you.”
I said, “No, you can’t ’cause I won’t fight.”
I turned around and smiled and said goodnight.
I heard that he left and pushed Tom to the ground
Who turned right around and knocked him down.
When he got up, he started fighting with Sue.
Now I’m the only one left to sing this song to you.
When Timmy hit Billy who just hit Steve
When Steve hit Laura after Jack and Johnny
Hit Tommy and Richard hit Emily
Who accidentally pushed Debbie when Suzie Sneezed.

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When the House is Dark and Quiet

by Barry Louis Polisar

Late at night when Mommy and Daddy have gone out,
Me and my brother get to scream and jump and shout,
‘Cause the house is dark and quiet and we’re left all alone
With another teen-age baby-sitter talking on the phone.
We tip-toe on our tip-toes and we listen to her laugh,
While the water is running, so she thinks we’re in the bath.
She tells her friend she’s hungry, so we know just how to tease her;
We go and get the kitty cat and hide it in the freezer.

Cindy opens up the door, you should have seen her leap,
Then we tell her, “That’s the place where the kitty always sleeps.”
She starts yelling and sends us both to bed,
But Tim and me don’t listen to a single thing she’s said.
Convinced that Tim and I are finally lying sound asleep,
She settles on the sofa and turns on the TV,
So Tim sneaks to the basement to disconnect the fuse,
While I’m up in the attic, thumping in my father’s shoes.

While Cindy checks the TV set, examining the plug,
I crawl across the living room, underneath the rug.
We stand up on the sofa with carrots up our noses,
Pretending we are monsters–not wearing any clothes-es.
Cindy says she won’t come back, just like Mike and Sue,
Melody and Barbara, John and Linda, too.
Mom and Dad can’t leave us now, although they feel they must,
But we can’t understand why no one wants to stay with us.

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Who Got a Boo-Boo?

by Barry Louis Polisar

Who got a boo-boo?
You got a boo-boo?
I got a boo-boo, too
Who got a boo-boo?
You got a boo-boo?
I got a boo-boo, too

Sue got a boo-boo
A black and blue boo-boo
Sue got it at the zoo
Sue got a boo-boo
I’m telling you it’s true
Got it in Kalamazoo

Lou got a boo-boo
It’s true; a big boo-boo
He keeps it out of view
Stu got a boo-boo
Dipping fondue
Boo hoo, boo hoo, boo hoo

Listen to Barry sing this song:

Why Do I Love You?

by Barry Louis Polisar

You stay up late, make my back sore,
You always scream when you want more,
You throw your food upon the floor,
So why do I love you?

Oh, why do I love you?
Why do I love you?
I wonder what the answer is?
Oh, why do I love you?

Every night you kick and fight,
You’re immature. You’re impolite.
If you had teeth, I know you’d bite,
So why do I love you?

You scream, you cry, you yell, you shreik.
I wish that you’d learn how to speak.
Your temper tantrums last a week.
So why do I love you?

I wonder why you are upset?
Why is your diaper always wet?
You pooh and pee on me and yet,
Oh why do I love you?

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Witch

The Witch

by Barry Louis Polisar

They said her house was haunted, they’d scream and yell and jeer.
They’d throw things in her yard, they’d point at her and sneer.
They said she was a witch and they made fun of her clothes.
They’d laugh at the warts that were growing on her nose.

After years of being taunted, she could finally take no more;
She offered each an apple that was poisoned to the core.
She grabbed them by the hair, while their poisoned bellies ached,
Then threw them in her oven and cooked them into cakes.

She’d put them in her kettle, she baked some into pies;
She’d puree them, souflle them, muffling their cries.
Now there’s a lesson or two that I think can be had,
’bout what makes some good and makes others bad;

If you shut people out or push them away,
Don’t be surprised to find one day
That all your friends are gone and you’re in a stew;
And those that you’ve shut out are devouring you.

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With a Giggle and a Hug and a Tickle and a Kiss

With a Giggle and a Hug and a Tickle
and a Kiss

by Barry Louis Polisar

I never thought I’d fall again least not like this,
With a giggle and a hug and a tickle and a kiss.
It’s hard to think I’d let myself be captured by your charms,
In the middle of a snowstorm I’m melting in your arms.

Your brown eyes burn with a glistenin’ fire
That spells my name in embers that sparkle with desire.
I could see myself with you just sittin’ in a chair,
The dreams in your eyes light the curls in your hair.

The days I spend with you seem to slide right by,
You’re my sweet honey bee and the apple of my eye.
Though I thought it would lessen and I’d soon tire,
Instead of letting go, I’m climbing higher and higher.

Though the worlds too crazy, it might never come true
Before I give up, I’m gonna fight for you.
My heart beats fast and my face is all flushed,
I’ll marry you tomorrow, I don’t wanna seem rushed.